When All Else Fails

26 02 2009

 I am asked on almost a daily basis by various people,friends and acquaintances why I ride and why it is such a big deal to me. Trying to answer that is like trying to explain the big bang theory to a cat people ..But I will attempt to help you understand the reasoning.

 Now this is not a “wooo is me post” or even a self pitying post but it is a “lay my heart bare” post …so deal with it dammit

 I am 30 years old, I started my life from scratch for the second time in less then a decade when I moved back to Canada from the UK. I do not think you can begin to grasp the magnitude of that action and those decisions. I loved my life in the UK but my link was missing and that was my family and Canada ultimately. So I made the decision to move back here …was it the right decision …most definitely was it a good decision ….I am still not sure. I miss so much over there on a daily basis.

 I am 30 years old and I have been single for what feels like a eternity. I feel like a hamster stuck in the wheel and for love nor money I cannot get out of that damn wheel ! I am at my best or prime when I am in a relationship as I think most human beings are actually. Those people that tell you that the single life rocks …yeah completely talking out of their asses it so does not rock

 So to replace that empty and yep lonely and tear jerking feeling …I ride and I ride with passion and with zest and with love. I ride to feel free and to feel compassionate. I ride to learn to trust myself and my life in another beings hands ( or hooves ). I ride to be honest about my abilities and what I can achieve. Riding is my passion and it is my sport …its also the thing that terrifies me the most. I have this fear tat if I fail at riding , the thing I love most in the world, then I am destined to fail at all other events in my life.

So riding is kinda like my addiction! I get a actual buzz off it when I manage to do something well with Sonnet and do it really well. I get such a overwhelming sense of achievement when it all clicks together like a puzzle.

So when all else fails no matter how lonely I am or how sad I feel or angry and letdown I know I can go to that horse tack her up get on and it will no longer matter. I know that she has the ability to teach  me to trust myself and others. I know that she trust me when I trust her. So even if I am eternally single it will not matter really …I have a horse who has taught me more about myself in the last 12 months then in the last 30 years.

Sure a actual human being would be great for a relationship but the horse is a great stand in for now lol

So Sonnet is my stand in relationship ….and she does a damn fine job people

those-eyes

sonnet-last-spring





My current frame of mind all wrapped up in One Song …

25 02 2009

I can attempt to explain my current frame of mind but to be frank and rather honest it is a somewhat hard task !! All I can say is I am in a never ending feeling of chasing my own tail and sometimes it is fine and no big deal but sometimes …sometimes it is the most depressing and lonely feeling ……..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qz7vGW2_5c0

p.s I also happen to adore this song and the singer …on repeat on my ipod , deep voice, soulful and as I like to say it an old soul





Insync With the Opposite Sex

4 02 2009

 Recently I have started re evaluating my dating life. I think every women does this and every women does it with a purpose or a intent to better themselves or to better their dating life.

I find dating one of the most taxing hard things to do. I mean think about it! You spend x amount of time “vetting” a potential date you go through the motions of making sure they are firstly not a player perv or serial dater . You go through the motions of what basically amounts to a interview. You are effectively interviewing a potential guy or girl to figure out if they match or tick off the criteria you require as a person to be able to fully enjoy them and the date.

Once you go through that little and some what daunting process you finally make that leap of faith that moment where you say ” hell yes I am ready to open up to you and go for this date and I am all yours for the next hour 2 hours day or whatever” Its hard work people you have no idea. I always find people that are in a committed relationship or married rather smug when they speak to a single person. It is as if they have forgotten how taxing a single life and the never ending search really is.

I can actually count in the last 3 months on my one hand ( not both ) the amount of dates that I have thoroughly enjoyed and then those dates never follow through. Like any normal human and any women I then try and figure out where “I” went wrong ?? Then it hit me recently …I am not going wrong it has nothing to do with me it has everything to do with them. It is like false advertising and then projecting there issues onto the person they went on a date with. I came to the realization that I am nothing but open and honest and forthright about the entire situation and about myself….major break through for me. It was a break through that basically was along the lines of “fuck you I am good I am a great catch and I know what I want and if you are so shallow or cruel to not follow through then it is your loss not mine now move on” HUGE BREAK THROUGH.

Then something funny happened this week. My trainer at the barn gave me this CD called “Insync with the opposite sex” Now I am nto a self help person never have been I march to my own drum. But this CD has been a utter eye opener for me and I have already given it to one girlfriend with others lined up and I have a few men in mind who seriously need to get this and listen to this asap for their own good and sanity !!

 It basically tells you men are hunters women are gathers. Men have single purpose drives and women are all over the damn place. Some how you have to meet in the middle. It says women need to realize that when a guy is being open or honest …that’s really hard for them to do !!

I had a situation recently where a guy was honest with me brutally so. My initially reaction was to recoil back put up the defence walls and basically in my mind kick the shit out of him for said honesty. But then after I started thinking about it and after listening to this cd I completely realized that was really difficult for him to do. He laid it out on the table he said what was going on and he took a chance. Do I regret the way I initially reacted yeah maybe a little, have I tried to correct those actions and rectify it yep and time will tell. But the point is I realized suddenly with a moment of clarity that I got exactly what I always say I want , honesty, and I had no idea what to do with it ! It had never happened to me before. It was foreign territory lol !

So yes dating is hard and yes you get knocked back but if you open your ears and you open your eyes to the possibilities of something unreal then lif may just get a little easier for you





Body Talk …Freaky Shit People

2 02 2009

Last month I tried something that can best be described  as “out of my comfort zone” , I am never good out of my comfort zone and a sense of panic generally sets in rather quickly, but I did this thing anyway

 At my stables a lot of people have had this thing called Body Talk done to their horses. Its kinda hard to explain but I will try. Basically a person who practices body talk literally talks to your body, best way to describe it is your full of circuit breakers and some of those breakers are flipped to the off position, the person basically flips them to on to help you work better or your animal.

So I thought ” eh what the hell go for it , whats the harm”

It was interesting and a little freaky to say the least. I will tell you about Sonnet first and what was said regarding her. Basically my horse is slightly panic and anxiety filled and due to the fact that I am the same way we literally feed off one anther’s fears effectively making for one big ball of nerves stress and fear. She “balanced” Sonnet’s earth which is where her panic center is located. She also did Raki on both Sonnet and myself. Sonnet has had a sore back for a while partly due to saddle issues. However the lady said also sonnet was sucking in or tucking up her stomach muscles when I was riding her and the reason she was doing it was because of me. Why me you ask? well the lady said due to the fact that I have no feeling in my middle section of my body ( from the plastic surgery) I could not feel sonnet fully moving and so sonnet was compensating and trying to help me ….the women had no idea I had no feeling there …at that point I heard the X files theme song ! lol lol

All in all it was a good experince I did see a marked difference in Sonnet when I rode her the next time after the body talk session and so I am doing another one on Wednesday to see what comes out of it.

On another note she did do some body talk on myself as well and well best way to put it is that it was emotional and a little scary for me.

The non scary bit that was noted was that my lymphatic system was out of whack and that she had balanced that out. She said not something to freak out about but to keep a eye on.

Now the emotional scary bit…..the first thing she said to me was that I had self worth issues and that I see myself as nothing. My initial reaction was shock and anger for about 5 seconds …my second reaction was tears and the acknowledgement that she was completely right and yes I do indeed have these self worth issues. I cannot honestly tell you why that is and I know there is no reason for it. I have a great life, a incredible job, a amazing family. I like to think of myself as a decent looking women who looks after herself. I like to think that I am a great person that is driven and loving and kind . Yet I do in fact have those self worth issues and when she said that it hit just a little to close to home a little to hard , tears welled up in my eyes as I came to the realization that I need to some how repair that broken part of me , I honestly have no idea how I plan on doing that but god I soooo am making the effort to fix it

So all in all it was a eye opening tear wrenching experince and one I am putting myself through again on Wednesday





The Joys of Dating …NOT ! lol

2 02 2009

 Well you all know my single life has consisted of a series of dates to try and find that “one” …Do I believe there is one person out there …no not at all. I believe you go through a series of events in your life that a person fits into and fits into well. Some people are lucky enough to find that puzzle piece of a guy that fits into every event in your life. I unfortunately have not been that lucky and have has various puzzle pieces for each major milestone in my life.

I had the guy that I fell in love with when I moved to the UK. He helped me settle he helped me realise I could do things without my family as my constant pillars and pick me uppers.

I had the guy in the middle of my life in the UK who made me realise I am desired and could be chased by a guy lol. HE was also my first true serious fall madly in love and he was also the first guy to utterly and completely crush and destroy my heart and my soul. I have never felt such despair as I did due to his lack of thought and cruelty.

So I came back to Canada for the next phase of my life and have been single since then ….over 2 years very very long years.

I have dated here and I have met some cool guys but what I have not done is found that guy who made me feel that butterfly thing in the pit of your stomach. I have not met that guy that I am comfortable with and can be myself with . Until recently that is lol ( that is a completely different blog entry and I will write about it soon once I get it all through my head and figure out what the fuck happened …trust me it is a doozer its like something out of sex and the city!! lol )

 Is it so hard to find that person that is your puzzle piece? should it be hard work or do you follow the eternally irritating advice of ” It will happen when you least expect it ?”

I read a article in a British magazine recently that hit a little to close to home for my liking. Basically a women who was in her early 40′w talked about how due to her own pickiness and high standards ( too high ) she had managed to keep herself single for over 10 years. That she had the list of requirements and if a guy did not tick even one item on the list but ticked all the rest she did not date them. She eventually did meet someone and married him and the kicker is she actually dated him a few years back and because he did not tick boxes she discounted him as the right one !!!

I am sooo fearful I have done that. That out of the guys I have dated in the last 2 and a half years from the very first to the most recent guy I have let the one slip through my fingers. I am scared I have not fought for what I should have fought for and that I took the easy route and just backed down and chalked it up to a bad experience and a bad judgement call

 Dating is not fun people , there is nothing fun about it. I am not a serial dater and fear being labeled that but I am also very clear on what I want and what will work for me …Dating is a full time job guys





My Writing Groove is Back Baby !

2 02 2009

Much apologies for my recent lack of writing. I was in the middle of a much needed break from anything blog related. I have had a few things in the pipeline and so had to deal with them before I could do this one properly …but I am back and I am back with a vengance . Loads of entries on the way on topics like :

New Year means a New Home

Boys boys and boys …the sheer heart break and stupidity of it all !

Travel and my itchy feet

Ohhhhh a little thing called Body talk that I had done on my horse and turns out I may have needed it more then her

And the ever present weight and workout battle ! oh the pain

 

I am back people …sorry !





The New Year …The New Me ….Maybe ….

29 12 2008

 I have never been the person that makes new year resolutions simply because I believe if you make that resolution you are destined to fail…may sound negative but I think it is logical thinking.

But what I make sure I do at new years is set myself goals or set myself parameters that I need to stay in or need to reach. This year is no different and I have set some big ones and a few little ones as well.

 Firstly in past years I have said I hop enot to be single, or I will try not to be single. Yeah totally not saying that this year. This year I am saying I WILL NOT BE SINGLE. I have no desire to be single, it is not a great life and people that say it is are jaded and lying to themselves. There is nothing better then sharing yourself with someone or having that someone there for you and you there for them. So this year I will not be single Internet.

 Secondly I am weeding my friends, I am distancing myself from the ones that clearly are not as good a friend as I may have thought and getting rid of the toxic ones. I will pull the incredible ones even closer and keep them that way. I will not be lied to or hurt this year and I will not be made a fool of. A true friend does not lie white lie or make another person feel less of a friend. So this year is a weeding year

As for the little things. I plan on laughing at myself more, I plan on taking more time to appreciate the things I do have in my life. I plan on doing this insane rowing training and surviving it lol lol !!!

I plan on showing Sonnet as much as possible throughout the summer.

But mostly I plan on having fun and realizing I am pretty lucky . That I have a incredible life and a amazing family. I will remind myself there are others that would envy my life and so not to take it for granted








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