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Tags: affairs of the heart, home
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For the next week I am on holidays on the west coast of Canada. About 20 years ago my Mum and Dad bought a house on a small island off the coast of BC called Saltspring Island. If you ever in your life get a chance to come to Canada then ensure you make a trip to this island. It is both stunning and quaint. It has a air of enchantment about it. It is simply put breath taking and unreal.
When they bought this place it was for the sole intent of a place to retire to from the depths and despair that Alberta winters are known for. Dad passed away just under 10 years ago and still Mum is determined and relishing in retiring here.
Alex and George have always had a instant connection with this house and this island. They have always seen it as home and comfort to be in and around. I on the other hand am a different kettle of fish. I have yet to find a sense of connection with this island and this home. It has always had a place in my heart and my mind as simply “ the holiday home” . It has never felt like a place where I see my family permanently living and settling. Where my 2 siblings do not have the attachment to the country house we grew up in in Alberta I do. I have struggled with the thought of Mum selling that home and that “safe zone” for years. I have a deep and intimate connection with that place and to even think of another family or people living there is both distressing and painful sometimes. I know people say a home is what you make of it and a home is the people inside. Yet still it is hard a disheartening to think it will sooner rather then later not be my home. It will no longer be the house I grew up in, the house I laughed in, fought in, cried and have had my heart broken in. It will be the last place that I have this deep a connection with and once it goes I feel I will be nomadic again in my life style and my life in general.
So I suppose I have taken this holiday to a different level really. Aside from the obvious tanning, relaxing and many many margarita’s I have tried to look at it as a re adjustment to the new “ family home” . I have been trying to visualize use celebrating major milestones here such as birthdays ands births of babies and grandchildren. I have tried to visualize what Christmas and New Years will really be like here. It has been hard but I will admit I have been able to see it sometimes….not all the time.
I am built differently then my sister and brother I guess when it comes to my emotional attachments to things and places. I will never fully be able to detach myself from the home I have grown up in and lived all my life in. I think I will likely be a emotional basket case and I also think most will think I am neurotic and crazy to be like that over a home …..but at the end of the day it is my home, my memories and my emotions that I have to deal with
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Tags: affairs of the heart
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The other day a close friend informed me that there was something I needed to do to make my dreams come true.
She also informed me that I was not to blog the actual thing I was planning on doing either…….this was so hard to agree to but I did in the end. I did not agree to not write about what I was doing however ….I always find loopholes you know ?!
I have struggled of late to find a man that suits me. Now do not get me wrong I have not struggled to find men in general, men are like apples they fall from trees with alarming regularity however like apples there is a fair few rotten ones that fall in my path on a all to frequent basis.
I had said to the friend that I was effectively the undateable women ! The women that appears great to all that know her and the women men and women say to regularly “ why and how are you single? How has someone not got you yet?” How do I answer those questions?! God damn if I knew the answer I would be solving the problem and presto instant sea – monkey boyfriend!! In my eyes or in my experience I seem to be the undatable women. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats for fear of dying alone and with 40 million cats and a horse.
Said friend said this was completely and utterly untrue and I was not to say that about myself ….easier said then done was my thought. She said the old clichés which I despise with such a passion were unavoidably true. Such great ones like “ it will happen when you least expect it” OR “ you cannot force these things fate has a way of dealing with it” I honestly want to find the nearest fiery pits of hell and throw those and many other phrases in there and burn them from the memory of society. I know there are other single women out there who are like me and have similar sentiments as well.
So back to what I was told I needed to do to make my dreams come true. Basically she told me that I needed to write a list of my perfect man every thing I looked for and wanted. She then said that every night I need to look at said list as if it is a catalogue and I am shopping. I need to visualise this vision of a perfect man and it will come along ……..18 lists later, one pen later and 10 drinks later I came up with the god damn list. I will not tell you exactly what is on there as firstly it is my list so piss off and secondly you will laugh at me which will piss me off and in turn I will have to hunt you down for mocking me ok ?!
Recently I started seeing someone , someone I really like. Before I go further I will say this, I will not tell you who said man is ( yep he is a man not a fake man or a women before you ask) I stick with anonymity when I write on here about others unless I have their permission. This man ticks every box except one well actually 2. One is a minor thing stupid really which is height, he is shorter then me. But you know what hard to find many that are taller so what ever. The second one is a bigger deal though. He is a runner ( no not half marathons ) commitment fearing been hurt and burned one to many times runner. I have a thing about guys that cannot commit . Now lets get this clear I am not looking for deep and meaningful in the first week let alone first few months I do not ask for it or expect it. So when a guy does a runner within the first 2 weeks that has got to be some sort of world record!! It is on the list which means this guy does not fit the list yet I am drawn to him and there is something within me that tells me he is good and solid and true. So the question is do I push for it do I fight for it and make him understand that A. I am so not crazy, B. he would be fucking up royally if he let me go ( yes my ego just inflated if you feel a lack of oxygen in the room that would be my ego suckin it all up people) and C. stop running take a breath and have fun!
What do I do ? How do I go about this without appearing desperate or crazy ( of which I am neither just so you are aware ……much )