For the next week I am on holidays on the west coast of Canada. About 20 years ago my Mum and Dad bought a house on a small island off the coast of BC called Saltspring Island. If you ever in your life get a chance to come to Canada then ensure you make a trip to this island. It is both stunning and quaint. It has a air of enchantment about it. It is simply put breath taking and unreal.

When they bought this place it was for the sole intent of a place to retire to from the depths and despair that Alberta winters are known for. Dad passed away just under 10 years ago and still Mum is determined and relishing in retiring here.

Alex and George have always had a instant connection with this house and this island. They have always seen it as home and comfort to be in and around. I on the other hand am a different kettle of fish. I have yet to find a sense of connection with this island and this home. It has always had a place in my heart and my mind as simply “ the holiday home” . It has never felt like a place where I see my family permanently living and settling. Where my 2 siblings do not have the attachment to the country house we grew up in in Alberta I do. I have struggled with the thought of Mum selling that home and that “safe zone” for years. I have a deep and intimate connection with that place and to even think of another family or people living there is both distressing and painful sometimes. I know people say a home is what you make of it and a home is the people inside. Yet still it is hard a disheartening to think it will sooner rather then later not be my home. It will no longer be the house I grew up in, the house I laughed in, fought in, cried and have had my heart broken in. It will be the last place that I have this deep a connection with and once it goes I feel I will be nomadic again in my life style and my life in general.

So I suppose I have taken this holiday to a different level really. Aside from the obvious tanning, relaxing and many many margarita’s I have tried to look at it as a re adjustment to the new “ family home” . I have been trying to visualize use celebrating major milestones here such as birthdays ands births of babies and grandchildren. I have tried to visualize what Christmas and New Years will really be like here. It has been hard but I will admit I have been able to see it sometimes….not all the time.

I am built differently then my sister and brother I guess when it comes to my emotional attachments to things and places. I will never fully be able to detach myself from the home I have grown up in and lived all my life in. I think I will likely be a emotional basket case and I also think most will think I am neurotic and crazy to be like that over a home …..but at the end of the day it is my home, my memories and my emotions that I have to deal with

The other day a close friend informed me that there was something I needed to do to make my dreams come true.

She also informed me that I was not to blog the actual thing I was planning on doing either…….this was so hard to agree to but I did in the end. I did not agree to not write about what I was doing however ….I always find loopholes you know ?!

I have struggled of late to find a man that suits me. Now do not get me wrong I have not struggled to find men in general, men are like apples they fall from trees with alarming regularity however like apples there is a fair few rotten ones that fall in my path on a all to frequent basis.

I had said to the friend that I was effectively the undateable women ! The women that appears great to all that know her and the women men and women say to regularly “ why and how are you single? How has someone not got you yet?” How do I answer those questions?! God damn if I knew the answer I would be solving the problem and presto instant sea - monkey boyfriend!! In my eyes or in my experience I seem to be the undatable women. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats for fear of dying alone and with 40 million cats and a horse.

Said friend said this was completely and utterly untrue and I was not to say that about myself ….easier said then done was my thought. She said the old clichés which I despise with such a passion were unavoidably true. Such great ones like “ it will happen when you least expect it” OR “ you cannot force these things fate has a way of dealing with it” I honestly want to find the nearest fiery pits of hell and throw those and many other phrases in there and burn them from the memory of society. I know there are other single women out there who are like me and have similar sentiments as well.

So back to what I was told I needed to do to make my dreams come true. Basically she told me that I needed to write a list of my perfect man every thing I looked for and wanted. She then said that every night I need to look at said list as if it is a catalogue and I am shopping. I need to visualise this vision of a perfect man and it will come along ……..18 lists later, one pen later and 10 drinks later I came up with the god damn list. I will not tell you exactly what is on there as firstly it is my list so piss off and secondly you will laugh at me which will piss me off and in turn I will have to hunt you down for mocking me ok ?!

Recently I started seeing someone , someone I really like. Before I go further I will say this, I will not tell you who said man is ( yep he is a man not a fake man or a women before you ask) I stick with anonymity when I write on here about others unless I have their permission. This man ticks every box except one well actually 2. One is a minor thing stupid really which is height, he is shorter then me. But you know what hard to find many that are taller so what ever. The second one is a bigger deal though. He is a runner ( no not half marathons ) commitment fearing been hurt and burned one to many times runner. I have a thing about guys that cannot commit . Now lets get this clear I am not looking for deep and meaningful in the first week let alone first few months I do not ask for it or expect it. So when a guy does a runner within the first 2 weeks that has got to be some sort of world record!! It is on the list which means this guy does not fit the list yet I am drawn to him and there is something within me that tells me he is good and solid and true. So the question is do I push for it do I fight for it and make him understand that A. I am so not crazy, B. he would be fucking up royally if he let me go ( yes my ego just inflated if you feel a lack of oxygen in the room that would be my ego suckin it all up people) and C. stop running take a breath and have fun!

What do I do ? How do I go about this without appearing desperate or crazy ( of which I am neither just so you are aware ……much )

HELP !

Rejection is one of those odd things that people have a variety of remedies for. It is one of those things that can tear a person apart from the heart outwards.

I have seen friends and family handle it in so many different ways from flippant to sheer anger and rage.

How do you handle rejection??

I myself am a odd ball when it comes to this. Normally I will just shut down completely pretend it never happened brush it off and move on. To me reacting to rejection is a sign of weakness and to me weakness is just not a good thing in any way shape or form. I do not want the ones that reject me to know it really bothered  me all that much in the first place because in my eyes that shows them that they were sucessful in hurting me.

But on the very rare occasion I do show hurt when rejected and on a even slimmer occasion I will try and fight past that rejection and make the other realize that they in fact are wrong and have made a bad decsion.

Is it wrong of me to react that way even if it is a once in a blue moon occurance? No I do not think so just shows another aspect and dimesnion of who it is I really am.

Just so you know ..who I am is incrediable and amazing. Who I am is kind and good natured. Most importantly who I am is me and that makes me a sure bet in any situation

I am so not a country music girl. I may have grown up in the ultimate praire cowboy land and around farm boys and farm lifestyle but I was never drawn to country music BUT there is the odd song that I adore, mainly from home province boys like Paul Brandt or Emerson Drive.

Which leads to what is my 6am driving tune on a summer day on a open highway with no traffic and just me the window open and the wind blowing through as the sun shines or rises.

 The song is called Moments by Emerson Drive. If you are not a country listener I can almost promise you that you will still adore this song. The first time I had ever heard it, it actually made me cry. It is well written, well played and amazingly sung. The lyrics are not “my dog died, my wife left me, and I am a red neck” the lyrics in fact make you think about your life and where it has led you and where you are heading with your life.

It is my song that makes me smile as I drive most mornings. It is a song that i simply never get bored of listening to and still envokes a emotional reaction everytime I hear it

So although I am not “country” I do not shut it out and I will give the odd song a chance lol

So I am not far off 3 months from surgery and to be honest in a state of shock as to how well it all really went and how well I currrently feel.

My scar is looking better and better each day. I think the best thing about the work my surgeon did on me is the fact that my scar is virtually flat I mean you cannot miss the damn thing and I know it is there however it is kinda cool lol. I have come to th conclusion that whatever guy I end up dating ( more on that to come all ) if they do not like the scar then they are kinda shit out of luck as it is not going anywhere any time fast people !

 I was soooo very lucky for excatly 2 months I had virtually no swelling my tummy could not have been more flat and even concaved. Then that all changed on the first week of my 2 month mark. I swelled up like a god damn balloon dammit ! Now to be fair partly my fault as to why I am currently so swollen. My surgeon said I coudl get back to the gym and working out at week 6. He said for the first couple visits no Ab work and to do cardio and light weights which I did. On the 5th visit I started doing my sit ups back extensions etc. It felt great i could feel everything fine nothing hurt. I got over ambitious and did the dreaded plank …oops …not so smart. Needless to say I woke up the next morning and it felt like I had just come out of surgery !! Big mistake!

 So I have had friends ask me and family if I have noticed different reactions from men now when I go out….the answer is hell yes!! And hell yes I am superficial about it. No the surgery did not change me as a person per say ( maybe confidence wise it did ) but it did change my phsyically and I recognize that as do the male speicies ! lol Needless to say not only did i get the plastic surgery on the stomach I got a fact lift in the boob department. I never had surgery done on the girls but the surgery I had done on the tummy seems to have made it look as though they got done as well…I am so not complaining. I am still contimplating if I will but before and after pics up on here and will decide soon. It is a personal thing but I have laid my life bare on this website so I see it as a natural progression to also put the pics up …we shall see

Ok now for life update: Firstly my beautiful horse Sonnet. Every day I ride I fall more and more in love with her. People that do not ride may not completely understand how that is possible or how it affects you as a person, I will try and explain it. When I am riding her I forget about anything that is possibly going wrong in my life or bugging me. When I ride her my entire being is centered and it makes me feel balanced and calm. I am focused and deterimened when I am riding her. So as you can tell it has helped me on so many personal levels to be blessed with having her in my life daily

Next bit of life…dating …yes I am still single…no I am not happy about it…yes I have visions of me being a 90 year sinpster living in a shoe box yelling at random strangers and throwing my kitchen scraps at them …no this better not become a reality. I would be lying if I did not admit I am slight jealous of my friends and their various relationships. I see it and I want it but for unknown reasons it seems to always be just out side of my reach radius. I have however been on a few dates with a few guys and have completely enjoyed myself I just have not however found that guy who has that sparkle in their eye when they see me. or found that guy that lights up a room when i see them. Maybe I will never find that guy btu I do not want to lower my standards or expectations or settle for something out of a desperate need to feel wanted and loved, people should never do that.

So thats all folks

Lately I have been lacking in good material from the mouth of my mother…well my friends that changed last week …she came out with the most brilliant line

 So my mum is a gardener and I mean like a carzy ass hardcore gardener. That thing is her baby for 5 months of the year.

When she weeds she weeds in a swimsuit , mainly for the tan but also when one sits in mud a dirt a swimsuit is much much easier to hose off.

well the other week she is standing by the kitchen sink after my mums version of a hardcore gardening session. You ask what this vision of beauty looks like well here comes the description:

Mud caked on the back, front and side of her

Hair all bunched together in a “topknot” on top of her very hot head

a paper towel stuffed down the front of her suit ( her sweat towel apperenatly)

and finally 3 rather hard to hide holes in the actual swimsuit in varying places.

At this point of taking in the vision of gardening beauty i said very politely to her

:

“maybe mum you should thinkabout throwing away that swimsuit?! it has holes in it !!”

she actually looked at me as if I had said to her take the tractor and destroy your garden right this instant !

she then proceed to inform me of the following information which disturbs me on many levels! conversation as follows:

 MUM:   “NO NO NO This is not to be thrown away it is my 5th BEST SWIMSUIT!!!!!”

ME: “5th best swimsuit ?!?! what the fuck do you mean ?!”

MUM: “Well this one is 5th because it has 4 holes in it the others have less holes”

ME: WHAT THE FUCK ?!?

yep that is my mum guys a women who has a 5th best swimsuit for gardening !! so not normal

Note: last weekend we had a heat wave of over 30 degrees mum was gardening in her infamous 5th best swimsuit and guess what !!! she has burnt bits on her where the holes were placed!! that was way to funny to even begin to look at !! lol

About 2 years ago I had found a website via another website that I quite frankly fell in love with. I had blogged about it then but I thought I would blog about it again just for the sheer shits and giggles of it all.

The website is called True Wife Confessions and it can be found in my blog roll. It is unreal and maybe slightly sad and scary as well.

The premise is that women write in and confess all. It could be as simple as I forgot to take the garbage out AGAIN or as scary as “would you please stop beating me I cannot take it anymore”, and although that is scary it is life and it is on this site warts and all.

It is voyeuristic in nature and kinda like peaking through the net curtains at others lives and tribulations. The women that write in never seem to give there names (go figure) and they are known as confession “insert number of confession”

I love it when I find a blog that I cannot seem to stop reading it is both riveting and emotional to read. It pulls at your heart strings and will simply make you snort coffee out of your nose at vast speeds at some of these seemingly insane yet valid confessions.

So if you want a good read please hope on over to True Wife Confessions and have a look let me know what you all think

 This is a long over due post which I know I have been so lazy about and frankly avoiding as well.

 Firstly the surgery……went incredibly well!!! I could simply not be happier with how it has all turned out!!

I will give you the oh so gory details to browse over:

1.5 hours under the knife (asleep lol)

Same day surgery, went in at 7:00 am was home by 1:00 pm

An incredible 10llbs of skin removed from my massive weight loss

Dropped almost 2 dress sizes since then

Percoset is my friend!

Pain was minimal

Was back into work on day 12 and felt pretty good

The incision is amazingly low and in no way freaks me out

I LOVE my belly button lol

Total weight loss since surgery is almost 30 lbs. due to metabolism changing!

All of the above equals one hell of a happy me!

Now to the emotional side of it and yes there is one of those sides. I am almost in awe of myself every morning right now. I have no recollection of what it is like to not have “loose skin” I have no memory left in me of what it felt like to have a flat tummy. I love it but at the same time I am almost conscious of it I am so very aware it is there now!

 I will say my confidence is through the roof I have never felt like this. I can now wake up every single damn morning look at myself in the mirror and say “Holy crap you lady are kinda hot”

 But this is what is driving me mad .…. I want to get in the gym and just rip myself up with muscle tone and fitness but unfortunately I am not allowed near a gym for a entire 6 weeks from surgery date ( May 7^th) so I have 1 more week left of being stir bloody crazy ! The other no go area is riding Sonnet! That has actually been the hardest thing because when I ride her I feel incredible and it is my way of relaxing again though 1 week and I get the all clear for that

 It pains me to say that society does not notice people that are even remotely over weight particularly my age group. Before surgery I am of the belief that I rarely got a second look or checked out on the street. Did it bother me?? Yes of course it did! Did I ever show how much it bothered me? NEVER!

Now though it is so different. So far I have been hit on at the bank, gas station and unbelievably at a set of lights while driving??? WTF! I admit to loving it but at the same time I actually have no idea how to handle it. It is a foreign thing for me, it is like that thing you almost lust after but when it happens to you your like a deer in the headlights!!!

 Socially I am feeling slightly awkward and out of place. Firstly because I am carrying myself so much more differently and it is kinda confusing mentally. Secondly I am appearing to be losing touch with my friends and I cannot give you a reason as to why. I think my emotions are slightly heightened after all this happening so I am that much more sensitive …I do not know why I think I am losing that touch but it is a feeling that’s all and I am sure that is partly due to me shutting down slightly trying to wrap my head around all this change going on.

 So the main thing is this: the surgery is by far one of the best things I have ever done in my entire life. It appears to be the thing that has filled that missing link I needed. It has made me realize who and what I am. I know this may be an odd statement considering it is plastic surgery and so therefore means I physically changed myself and what I am all about, but what I physically changed was not me it did not represent who I am. Now that I have had it done I now know who I am properly I have a confidence that is simply not just bravado anymore or a front or a self defense tool. It is now simply that an amazing and over powering confidence I knew was deep within me and just needed bringing out

In just over 24 hours I will be going in for my abdinomplasty or otherwise known as “tummy tuck”

I have written about it before and the reasonings behind why I choose to do this and why I choose to do it now at this point in my life. I am so excited about it and it feels like coming full circle after a few years of bloody hard work. I am as stated before not obsessed with being thin or thin people in fact I generally do not like overly thin people…don’t trust them something shifty bout a skinny chick you know lol I am however obsessed with being healthy I am and always will be scared of being un-healthy or in fact of anyone close to me or the people i love most being unhealthy it is terrifying to think of someone as unhealthy and not looking after themselves. So that is why I started with the weight lose a few years ago , not to be thin but to in fact be healthy.

Any sane person would be scared going into this surgery it is after considered a major surgery. It is 2 - 4 hours of work and lets say vigerous work at that.

I have this incrediable list of things I am “shit scared” about and the more I think about it the more it actually makes me want to cry ….seriously i realise this is not good to be crying about a simply thing like a tummy tuck but come on you all know i am neither simple or nromal! here is the panic shit scared list:

I am so scared it will turn out like shit and I will look horrible

I am shit scared I will not go compeltely under when they put me to sleep and it will be like that movie awake where I can hear and see and feel everything yet they cannot hear me ( i do realise this is almost impossible ok but just roll with it for fuck sakes its my fear not yours)

I am terrified that I will not be able to ride my horse for like months and months and months. I gain an incrediable amount of pleasure and confidence from riding Sonnet and so the thought of not being able to is TERRIFYING. It also does not help that when i ride her is when I am at my most calm and centered so now what the flippin hell do i do to calm down ?? …aside from valium of course ….which they prescribe to me …WOOOOHOOOO!

I am shit scared of throwing up when i come round after opperation !!! Seriously I want you to imagine how you would feel throwing up with a stiched wound from hip to freakin hip…not so nice is it!!

I am scared no one will notice the difference physically. I do not think you can grasp the gravity of that fear …seriously that is actually a bad bad thing

Oh fuc this list could go on forever and ever effectively you get the point I am shit scared and I just actually want to get it all over with now and say yep did that next please ….

In all truthfulness i do not handle fear well I mask it with humor and bravado and very few people ever see the true fears I have and the things that scare me most I do not handle situations like this well

Seriously I need to get absolutely and utterly trolllied, legless hammered , dancing on speakers making a fool of myself drunk before wednesday.

So I am thinking that is what I plan on doing this weekend. I am going to go mad. Why you ask??? wellll if I am going to be out of commision for a few months I may as well get my party on at least once before that !

I like to think I am a good drunk. Not one to pick a fight , have absolutely no issue in making and complete tit out of myself and i am fun , like a lot of fun dammit !

so yeah be warned Edmonton I am thinking it will be a tequila, jagger beer fueled weekend for me ……..hmmmm tequila