Perfection

My best friend and the person who knows me best just shared a quote from Bob Marley and now I am totally and utterly stealing it because it is likely one of the truest and most heart wrenching and warming things I have read all wrapped up into one. Read it . Learn from it. Believe it,

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” -Bob Marley

What Do You Fear Most ?

Its a question I think everyone has asked someone and more importantly a question everyone has asked themselves and possibly on a regular basis as well.

As to what I fear most …it boils down to two things. Firstly being alone for the rest of my life. I think this is one of my greatest fears. I fear never being able to share my life and my heart with someone and that is a terrifying prospect. I cannot quell that fear of loneliness it is a seemingly impossible task and so I fear it most really. I do not handle life alone well. i tend to become hermit like in character and even tend to get depressed about it. Which is something totally against the grain with me as a person as I am not a depressive and I am not a woo is me style of person.

I also fear most not being happy. All I really want out of life if boiled down to the simple bare facts is simple happiness. I cannot imagine a life without happiness. I cannot imagine a life without laughter and love and even tears of both joy and sadness as well. Happiness is something I crave like a heroin addict craves the next hit I crave endless happiness.

I will be perfectly blunt as this is what my site is about, its about my feelings my mindset and my life. What I will be blunt about is that of late I have felt the concept of happiness slipping out of my grasp and the idea of being alone overpowering. I need to figure out a way to reverse this current trend but I simply have no idea how to and frankly I am not sure I have the fight in me to stop the trend.

I am tired and yes maybe ever so slightly mildly depressed. I am not at the “world needs to end” stage lol I am just at the ” OMG what and where am I going wrong” stage.

All I know is those are my two greatest fears and they are both fears I believe that are completely within my power and my control to keep at bay. They are fears I would like to believe are normal and the average person feels as well

But all the same they are fears that drive me to tears to even think about …..

Even Time Passes

Sometimes when I read a book or I read quotes the odd phrase or sentence or paragraph jumps out and grabs me. Sometimes it grabs my emotions and my heart. This one grabbed me with such force I had to put “pen to paper” and write it on here

 

Time passes . Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly , in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me

November Recap

So I am starting up my monthly recaps again …been ever so slightly lazy with them of late …but lazy no more I promise !

Hmmmm November …yeah its been a screwed up rollercoaster of emotions month. Its been a month where I have laughed so freakin hard almost wet myself and a month where I have cried myself to sleep…so you see pure rollercoaster !

I started the month of dressed up as a giant foam beer bottle at 4 in the morning on November 1 st ( hey do not judge if you were me you would have done it as well people )

I am ending the month next weekend dressed in a black ball gown going to a formal function …yet again alone lol but whatever least I am ending the month of November looking good and dressed to the nines but more importantly will be spending it with my family and my friends and that’s all that matters.

November has been the month where I have had break throughs in my riding that I never expected. I have connected with my horse on a level that I have seen with other riders and been jealous of …I cannot explain it but I can say it was a amazing feeling to finally get there with Sonnet !!

Hmm relationships: yeah I have run the gauntlet this month , I have been rejected and pursued. I have laughed my ass off on a few dates and thought it was brilliant and I have felt like a completely loser on others

I have had guys made my cry to sleep once or twice in this month and guys that have kept me on my toes. The big thing though are the ones that made me cry were the ones I liked the most and the ones that made me laugh I clicked amazingly well with. No one ever said finding that person was easy and that it is a long bumpy road ….well shit I must be hitting ever damn pothole on my road at this point . But as I say you learn from it and roll with it and see what happens right ?

I have had 2 AMAZINGLY good girls night out this month and sweet lord did I laugh. One consisted in getting firemen all hot and bothered as one of the girls demo’d her pole dancing routine ( seriously no word of a lie lol ) and the other consisted of a lot of tequila and other shots and laughing my ass off with my friend Sarah and the other girls from the barn

Ohhh November has been the month I started my rowing training ….I have lost weight from this which is never  a bad thing but I also have no feeling in my upper body from it lol . But the big thing is I am following through and I will do this and I will do this well

So basically November has been one of those months that have had me running the guanlet of emotions and fears. It has been a month that I have laughed my ass off through and cried through.

Most importantly it has been a month that has taught me never to forget who I am. It has taught me that yes I am beautiful and yes I am great. It has taught me that laughing cures almost anything and that I should be doing it more often. It has taught me that I am more determined and single minded then I give myself credit for

November is almost done so roll on December …please more laughing less crying ??? not a big request but a important one !

Hmmmm What do you Do when …..

Yeah so what do you do or how do you react when someone tells you they find you kind of attractive but they are not fully attracted to you ?

SERIOUSLY ! LOL

I had this happen this week and it kinda threw a spanner in the works and needless to say dented my ego in a bad way …I am fine not wrist slashing pity me parties just pure confusion.

I think what likely makes it more confusing is the fact I like the person and appears I completely misread the signs and signals I got from the person which is ever so slightly irritating ! Its like my spidey sense is vanishing. Maybe it would be safer to become a hermit lol

How can someone find you kind of attractive but not sure and not fully attracted to you ? I mean surely you are attracted or you are not attracted ? I mean I know I was attracted in a big way dammit.

So what do I do now ? wow this sucks lol …oh well such is life and you roll on right ?……

Another Entry On The Bucket List

So I forgot to enter one really important thing on my 10 year bucket list. I want to get a tattoo….in fact have always wanted to get one however deciding is hard and making sure it is right is even harder !!

But I did make a final choice and I am happy with it. I will be getting something in relation to my dad with his name or intials date of birth and when he died and 2 wings. All on my back between shoulder blades and all black and grey

I am going to hold a little competition soon and ask people to submit drawings and see where that gets me. I have a idea in my head what i want it to look like but I want to see what others come up with in regards to that.

Having the tattoo done for dad is perfect and makes complete sense to me. He was and is my moral guidline. His voice is the one I hear when life does not quite roll the way I want it telling me ” I am worthy and to get my chin up keep it up and marh on forward with my life down my path”

It is his voice that reminds me to stay true to myself and to who I am and what I am all about

So the tattoo is the way to go and means a vast and imense amount to me

The Pity Party is OVER !

Yep done , I do not do self pity often and I certianly do not do it long so I have declared it over. All was put into prespective by the lovely Tracey who came and commented on here and gave me the proverbial kick up the backside via the internet lol.

You know I am content with myself and who I am and if someone else feels I am not perfect or right then so be it such is life. It is more their lose then my lose for not taking the chance and for not having the common decency to explain themselves so screw it !

So today I am back on track to being Louisa as my friend Shelly says ” Silly Rabbit” OR her newest name which i think is : Mysterious Vixen” lol lol I am back to shaking my fist at the world and forging my oh so wobbly path through it

 I have a busy busy day ! I am off to the gym to row yet aother 10 km ( sweet lord i cannot feel my arms currently !! ) they also have me doing the lie down thingys where you raise your legs up in the air working your abs while hanging off a bench …..yeah if that sounds painful for you trust me it really is lol ! After that i am off to see my girl and have a good training session on her ! I got my new saddle in yesterday and I am so excited to throw it on her and ride in it. On a side note when I was at my home away from home ( the tack store lol ) I bought a few other things and the one I am in love with most rocks! It is a long sleeved shirt/hoodie with the words Looking 4A Stable Relationship printed on it and a horse …love it ! lol lolo

Alas the day is still not done, I will boogie back home change into something remotely resembling cowboy ( I am a english rider we do not do cowboy ) as I am off the the Canadian Finals Rodeo !! I was given 4 free tickets by a customer from work so I am going. I am taking 3 really great friends one of which is our stable girl and so it is a thank you to her for looking after Sonnet for me so well. After that we are off to Cook County ( oh yes a cowboy bar mechanical bull and all ) So I am living the cowboy life today ! lol

So yep the pity party is over his lose not mine and life roles on merrily

I Think I am Done

I think I am done. I have always made bad decisions about men in my life. I have always read them wrong or made the mistake of thinking there was the faintest possibility of there being a chance of something working out….making the effort is becoming increasingly hard and irritating.

I fell for someone once hard so hard I honestly thought that I would never come out of it that it was the end for me and all the feelings within my being. I wrote about it on here and wrote about it so candidly I still cannot read those posts fully without feeling that gut wrenching heart rendering fear and pain. I have to make clear that it was a fast and out of the blue relationship who was and still is my best friend in the world. It was unexpected and the most terrifying thing I ever did but also the best thing in some ways as well. It left me with the most empty and hollow hearts and at the same time it awoke in me the fact that I possess the ability to be a great person in a relationship. It opened up my thoughts to the fact that I do indeed deserve to be in a relationship and not wandering the lonely path I so often seem to wander.

Writing about that day was the hardest thing I ever did and I did it through a haze of tears and as I write about it now I tear up …so pathetic but true.

Fast forward to now 18 months later and many many dates with all the men under the moon. Guys that almost but not quite fit the bill. Guys that were completely into me but me not into them and finally guys I completely liked and was into appearing not to be into me or so I thought and think.

I am done with the constant second guessing the constant wondering “where did I go wrong” or “what did I do to deserve that” I am done I cannot continue down a path where there is a never ending feeling of hope and then to have that hope come crashing down. I would rather focus on the things that do keep me on track and focused I would rather do the things that do give me pleasure and validate to myself who I am and what I am. if that means I cut myself off from other aspects in life then so be it …..I am done I cannot do it anymore its to much for me to handle

 

yep all that was my self pity post of the week …it was my post after a week of being kept on the edge of wondering and guessing after a week of listening to ever so sad music and ever so sad movies its been one of those weeks where I appear to have forgotten what I was all about

Update: What to do ?!

So have a smallish update on the what to do post …some of you guys know what this is regarding and it is linked to this post

I went with the first option threw caution to the wind and took a chance ….something that is completely out of character for me as a person and was kinda scary to do lol . I am the type of person that lets if ride and see if it works out in the end rather then taking proactive action

Well this time I thought why not buck the trend do the out of the ordinary and take a chance

We shall see what the outcome is I suppose …..it did feel good though to do it !

Lovely Song but Gives you Unreal Expectations

There are songs out there that everyone loves and songs that touch a part of your soul. But there are also songs that you love yet they give you one hell of a thump in the ass of unrealistic expectations. I think this is where part of my problem comes from in regards to the pursuit of a great relationship

I adore this song it touches me every time I hear it but the issue is it then makes me think that this is the normal that people are all in relationships like this but it simply is not the truth. I know others will disagree with me on this and it is my own personal view point and opinion. This song although lovely and I listen to it is gut wrenching in the sense that I begin to believe the likeliness of me ever finding something like what is sung in this song is pretty much slim to nil at present lol