What Am I Looking For ?

Someone asked me last night what are you looking for ? Written exactly like that “what are you looking for?”

My simple response back was : In what context that is a pretty open ended question, do you mean in a man, in life, in a relationship etc?

The response back all of it tell me all. Wow that is a hard thing to do you know. Attempting to put pen to paper as they say and tell someone what you are looking for in almost all aspects of your life. I mean we have a general idea I would like to think as human beings of the direction we want to go and the likes and dislikes we each possess, but it is still ridiculously hard to pin point what you are looking for !

So I thought I would try and write it down. I do not even believe I can put a dent in the list of things I am looking for but I will make a valid attempt for the sake of the question.

What I am Looking for in my Life

• I want a sense of security. I want to wake up in the morning feeling secure in every aspect
• I want to build my own house one day with all the things I lust after ( yes this is very materialistic but its true) Plus knowing it is my own creation and design would give such a sense of accomplishment to myself I think
• I want to know that I can book a holiday somewhere nice without worrying if I can afford it or eating myself up with worries about money
• Money yeah I want money not in a greedy way just in a security comfortable way
• I want to be married one day and have that great relationship that every one dreams about

What I am looking for in a Relationship

• You know just as I said in the life section above I want security. I want to know I am in a secure and loving and great relationship
• I want fun …seriously someone who has me laughing my ass off all the time to me is part of a great relationship!
• I want to know that I can go home at night knowing there is someone waiting to see me or happy to see  me. Knowing that I put a smile on that persons face !
• I have to say the top line again …security seriously it is so important to me

What I look for in a Man

• kindness,respect and honesty
• A wicked sense of humor the guy has to make me laugh otherwise it is a lost cause
• A man who has direction in his life
• A man who has no hang ups can love as love is meant to be done ( that’s a hard one ! )
• Someone I can turn to and yell my frustrations at knowing they will not take it to heart and that they realize I am venting and needing their support
• Someone I know my family will love and respect. Having their blessing is of up most importance to me …they are my family after all
• someone who can love me uncondtionally and my them

So you see the lists are there and they are a very short form of what I look for. I do believe everyones guidelines change on a regular basis. There goals and ideals shift as they change and get older. I know mine will likely change but at least it is a basic reference list.

I think everyone should write lists like this. Put pen to paper write down what you are looking for so at least you have some direction or path you want to travel down

Yet More Lessons I have Learnt So Far ….

Well I was told a continuation on my lessons list was needed as there was so damn much more to add!! So what the hell here we go

 I have learnt that men make no sense what so ever. They always say women send mixed signals and that we are the confusing creatures and that they are the straight forward tell it how it is creatures….so not true !! They dance around issues and cannot just say what they feel or do not feel. They are completely unable to straight forward. I have learnt that you just have to deal with this aspect of the male spieces and that it is a timeless issue…but at the same time it does make me want to scream …get your shit together realise when you have a good thing infront of you and a bad thing infront of you really not that hard guys !

I have learnt that when on a plane by yourself it is sods law that the smelliest person in the world will end up occupying the seat beside you …sods damn law it will happen !

I have learnt that I will never get answers to all the questions I have about life. That somethings are to remain a mystery and that I just need to learn how to deal with that

I have learnt that mothers are effectively crazy . That they get crazier as their daughters get older and are unmarried single and have no children or any desire to produce children ….seriously they are bat shit crazy

I have learnt that patience is not one of my virtues ! At all ! In fact I am likely the most impatient person you will ever come across. I do not like waiting I do not like being made to wait. I do not like being told to ” be patient” OR ” be patient let it happen see what he/she says or thinks before writing it all off” OMG that pisses me off endlessly …I do not want to be patient I have no desire to be patient !

I have learnt that manners cost nothing. That being polite and cordial is the way to go. I have learnt that if someone calls you and you miss the call it is polite to call back. I have learnt that saying good night and hello and good bye are common manners and should always be done. Always say thank you to someone ALWAYS !! it is just down right rude not to and the same can be said for please. I have learnt that if someone emails/text me then answering them back is the way to go and it is common decent good manners for god sakes. I have learnt that if others have no manners it does not mean yours get to vanish as well.

The past Decade in Short Form

 I am in the last 24 hours of my 20’s …..I am so clinging onto it with all my might. Tomorrow I turn 30 and tomorrow is the start of a new decade for me. So I thought in honor of this milestone ( which as a side note it is soooo not it is actually getting old dammit ) I would go over the most influential parts of my life over this last decade.

 I entered my 20’s in a state of heartbreak and turmoil. My dad had passed away 2 months prior to my 20th birthday so to be frank I have no memory of what it was I did to celebrate my 20Th and frankly it really does not matter because it is likely to best describe my state of mind at that time as angry and bitter from losing him. I am strangely enough entering my 30’s not in heart breakbut something similar which is a slightly empty feeling. Now do not get me wrong I am beyond happy with who I am and who I have become but none the less I still feel empty sometimes or possibly even lonely.

 I spent the better part of my 20’s in a different country with a different life and with the most amazing people I could have met. I was 21 when I left for the UK and 27 when I came back to Canada so the majority of the last decade was in the UK. I can say hands down it was the best thing I ever did for myself. I had to learn how to lookafter myself completely. I had to learn how to deal with all the things life would throw at me. I had to deal with utter betrayalfrom a relationship which ended due to cheating. If you have never been through something like that I will describe it to you …crushing and debilitating, it sucked the faith out of me that people could have a true and honest relationship. It turned me into a angry and bruised girl. But there is light at the end of that disaster always and you need to know if you are going through it now that it does in fact get better and you do in fact learn from it which is what I did.

I established a career in my last decade which is a hard thing to explain. Best way to describe it is project management. The point is I am good at it and I learnt how to do it in my 20’s. To anyone in their early 20’s now and thinking “I have no idea what I am going to do ! ” Now is the time to figure it out and to carve your path in life. Set yourself up now so that when you get into the next decade you have a direction and purpose in life

 My 20’s was my time to understand what the meaning of true friendship is and how to keep it and cherish it. I met one of my 2 best friends in my 20’s and even now thinking about it tears me up and makes me so grateful. I met Mason when I was 22 and loud and full of myself. He hated me when he first layed eyes on me…said I was loud and in your face. Now in my 30’s he loves me for it ! he taught me that it is ok to rely on friends and to lean on them in times of need and pain and for that I am forever grateful and he is one of the reasons my 20’s turned out so damn well. Miss seeing him every day dearly but think about him every day and know in my heart he is one of the best friends a person could wish for. In my late 20’s I reconnected with my oldest and dearest friend Aron. After a 10 year gap she reappeared and will never ever go away. She reminds me to be me and she makes me feel worthy as a person. So see friendship wise the 20’s are likely going to be my most influential time I think

 The biggest thing I can take away from the last decade is that I know who I am I know where I am going and I know it is right. I know that it is ok to love fiercely and without binds. I know that people will never always accept you for you but ..who cares all that matters is that I accept me for me. I know now I am stunning and radiant and beautiful inside and out, it took at least 7 years of my 20’s for realize that and now I will hang on to it for life. I know that you will always have to make the tough and heart wrenching decisions in life and you must make them or you are a coward. I now know I can stand on my own to feet and do it well. I can look up towards the sky on a sunny day and smile and look back and think …I have lead a amazing life thus far and it can only get better and better

I may be entering my 30’s with a slightly empty or lonely feeling but I know for a fact I am entering it with friends like Aron who make me feel worthy and friends like Mason who remind me I am stunning and with a family who reminds me I am loved wanted and a much valued part of their lives

So bring it on 30’s lets see what the next decade brings my way. Lets see if it will be as wild a ride as the last decade has been for me

Bye 20’s you will be remembered missed and loved

In Memory Of My Father

Last week was the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death. I did not forget about it and I did not avoid posting about it. I simply wanted it to sink in that it has already been 10 years since he passed away.

 

 I write a post about him each year and each year it gets easier and easier to write about him and his influence on the women I have become today.

 

 This year I am going to do a thank you post to dad. A post to show my eternal gratefulness to all that his had and has given me to shape the person and being I am today.

 

 My personality is from my dad (mum obviously as well) but my overriding boldness and sense of self I think comes from him. I have to thank him for that. I have to thank him for some how instilling in me a sense of worth and self awareness. My dad was a man of conviction and a strong character. When dad was in a room you knew he was there you could not miss him. I am I would like to think or so I have been told the same. I know my confidence came from watching my dad and the way he conducted himself around others

 

 My dad gave me my passion for horses. That solely came from him and I cannot love him enough for giving me that gift. Dad came to Canada and he wanted to be a cowboy! He was never very successful due to the overly English personality he possessed but he did get those horses and he did then in turn make me passionate about them so thank you dad for that.

 

 I cannot thank my dad enough (with the help of my mother LOL a lot of help lol) for giving me to incredible siblings in Alex and George. I truly do have the great honor of them being my brother and sister. They are truly 2 individuals you dad could not be more proud of it would be impossible to be more proud of them. George is so like you dad that it is scary he looks like you, he sounds like you, he walks like you and he has the same moral convictions that you possessed.. Alex is so freakishly like you, although she may disagree ha, but I truly believe she is you in so many ways. She is so political and that had to have come from you!!! I think if you saw her now it would bring close to tears of happiness. As for me, well I am me and I came from you at the end of the day. I do not have a big fancy job or make loads of money; I still live in mum’s basement. I do however own a sense of self worth and understanding of what makes me who I am and why I am the way I am and that is in part from you and the way in which you and mum raised me.

 

I miss you endlessly, it brings me to tears to have to think that I am writing a letter to you basically thanking you for shaping the person I am today without you ever being able to see it. I miss being able to share my life with you, ups and downs. I miss not being able to have you at my horse shows and around me in general when it comes to the horses. I wish you could have met the incredible horse I now own as I know you would be proud of my choice in horse and her in general. You would have loved her instantly! I miss seeing the pride in your eyes when you see how well your children are doing in life and what they have achieved so far.

I miss you, I miss your laugh, I miss your voice and most of all I miss your love and the security I felt around you dad.

Just Have a Little Patience

I have written a fair amount about my current single state and my lack of relationship. I know some may get bored of it but its my blog and as stated before this is what I believe sites like these are for. They are your sounding board. They are the place where you get things off your chest you just do it to the rest of the world. Doing it to the rest of the world can actually be somewhat comforting you know, knowing anonymous people are reading about your problems and potentially identifying with them as well.

You know as much as I profess to it not being a bad thing being single it is at some times. I do not handle single well you know. It’s a unfamiliar feeling for me. I have always been part of a pair for at least the last 10 years and so when you go through a stage of not being a part of that “pair” you begin to doubt yourself which is never fun.

However some of my closest friends have consitantly told me that it will happen and not to work myself up over it. But the one word that resonates most is the word PATIENCE.
I am told by close and old friends that patience is what I need and that things happen when they need to and for a reason. Mason said to me the other month that you have to go through a bag full of shitheads before you find that one that is not a ass and is what you want. You know what he is right.
I seem to attract 2 kinds of men,. Either the girly boys or the bad boys. Seriously there is no in between. I can’t handle the girly men I am thinking I do not need to explain that. As for the bad boys…I admit I like them but they are never a good thing. I want that in between boy. A guy who is a “guy” who knows that he is meant to be a man but at the same time has that sensitive side that appears on occasion. I like commanding men and you know they are so hard to find these days.

So I will go with what friends like Aron and Mason say and that is patience. I will have patience and wait to see what rolls my way.
Lyrics from a song that sums it all up right now. Take That “Patience”

Just have a little patience

I’m still hurting from a love I lost,I’m feeling your frustration,That any minute all the pain will stop,Just hold, me close, inside your arms, tonight,don’t be too hard on my emotions,

‘Cause I, need time.My heart is numb, has no feeling.So while I’m still healing,Just try, and have a little patience

I really want to start over again,I know you wanna be my salvation.The one that I could always depend,

I’ll try to be strong believe me,I’m trying to move on,It’s complicated but understand me.

‘Cause I, need time,My heart is numb has no feeling,So while I’m still healing,Just try, and have a little patience,have a little patience,

‘Cause the scars run so deep,It’s been hardBut I have to believe.

Have a little patience,

Have a little patience,

Woah, Cause I, I just need time,My heart is numb has no feeling,So while I’m still healing,just try, and have a little patience,have a little patience,

My heart is numb, has no feeling,So while I’m still healing,just try, and have a little… Patience