Obsessively Listening over and over an over ……..

20 09 2007

Ok those who know me know I love my music and could never ever live without it. I am also known to fixate on certian bands or songs at certian times.

Currently it has been The Fray and and the Canadian icon that is Sam Roberts. I mean seriously listening over and over

However …. I have a new fixation right now and it is one song in particular. I have no idea why but damn I play it over and over ( the boys in the shop office are about ready to kill me lol ! )

Its David Grey ( yes yes yet more melencholy shit however it is good shit ha ! ) It is from the Life in Slow Motion Album

It is the 3rd track on the Album. There is something about the song but I have no idea what it is but I do love it like you would not believe. He has a voice that pierces your heart and sticks in your mind for a lifetime. He is yet another song writer that makes you “think” he makes your brain tick as you listen to him. This is music I like music that forces me to listen as it has a story or a purpose behind it.

Don not get me wrong I LOVE fluff music. Throw some rap or rnb on and I will shake my money maker but you know sometimes you just want something to make you tick musically

This song makes me tick musically


That the sky would lift That I’d find my place That I’d see your face in the door And the sun would glint An a time well spent An a time that ain’t no more

Taste the broken hearts In the vacant lots See the fruit that rots on the trees Try to turn my head Leave it all for dead But it’s in my mind always

Honey lately I’ve been way down A load on my mind Honey lately I’ve been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I’m damned if i know I seen that look in your eye No-one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Drag a salted kiss From this cup of bliss Watch a new lie twist on the breeze

You can paint it red Leave it all for dead But it’s in my head always

Honey lately I’ve been way down A load on my mind Honey lately I’ve been way down Load on my mind

Someone tell me where did it go Darling I’m damned if i know Iseen that look in your eye No-one ever gave it a chance I could have said in advance You saw it all at a glance And goodbye

Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye Goodbye

Honey lately i’ve been way down Honey lately i’ve been way down Honey lately i’ve been way down Honey lately i’ve been way down

Lately Lately


Setting the Record Straight

18 09 2007

Someone recently asked me via the internet and face book “why I was always so unhappy”
Now when I first read this a few answers and comebacks bounced into my apparent depressed brain (I am not depressed let me make that clear, that was sarcasm)
Firstly I thought “you do not know me so why would you ask me such a question without knowing the facts or the reasoning’s behind my down times.
Secondly I then thought : Well I did post my current unhappiness on the internet for all and sundry to read however that still gives no one person the right to question my feelings.
Then I began to think. I am not depressed. I am simply in a down period in my life. I need to make a few things clear to people so hear I go:

I have moved back to a country that is so very foreign to me even though it is my true home. I have been away for almost 6 years and I have been back only 9 months. There is a lot of readjusting to do for me to do. I left the most amazing friend base in the UK to come to a non existent friend base in Canada. Seriously zero friends. It was like being in grade 2 all over again and looking around a room at everyone thinking “please like me” but in a much grander scale then a grade 2 class room.

I had a long relationship with someone in the UK that ended on the worst terms ever. It did end long before I left the UK however it was still hovering heavily on my heart. So that also made me (god I hate this term) “damaged goods”. So now when I think about relationships I cannot help but compare to the past experiences which I believe is only natural really but it does put a damper on things really lol lol.

I had a home in the UK although small it was perfectly formed!! I mean really small ha! But the point is that it was my home. Here I have had to move back home to live with my mum. This is soooo not a bad thing but when you are 28 and when you have spent the last 6 years of your life depending solely upon yourself it is a serious slam back down to reality.

I touched on the falling for as friend thing previously and I will not deny that this has played a major role in the current “Louisa’s Merriground moods” It was a mistake but not a mistake I would EVER take back in my life time. It did however send me spiraling downhill when I waved him off back home that Saturday. What it also did was make me crave I mean absolutely crave to have a relationship. In the same light that scares me as I am worried I will “settle” for what ever comes my way and that is never a good thing.

The point of blogs, live journals, notes, online diaries is to be able to voice your current state of mind, your thoughts, beliefs and feelings. So you know what I will continue to write about them and you know what if anyone does not like hearing about it or reading about it …simply do not read it. I make the choice to post it you make the choice to read it.
(P.S I am actually a very funny girl by the way lol and I laugh endlessly and from the heart. I do not want to swallow a load of pills cut my wrists, throw myself in front of a very fast moving train or jump of anything high. I will have a drink however on occasion …pretty sure that’s allowed lol???)

Expectations to High or Being Realistic ???

16 09 2007

Ok so I went on a date today. This is a good thing for multiple reasons mainly that someone actually requested to go on a date with me lol ol ( yes I am being self depricating I know)

It was a good date. We had a good meal. We had a good conversation. We had good interaction. We had a good time. The point is that it was ” good” it was not ” sparks” nor was it ” wow “.

He was a nice looking guy witha great heart on him I mean he paid ! Trust me I have had dates that have got out the calculator to fgureout how much each of us owes so paying is good !
But he was not good enough I am thinking.
Am I being unrealistic in wanting a really good looking guy . By good looking I mean 8 not 10 but not below 8. I am now going to be brutally honest. I.AM.NOT.A.8. I would rate myself at about a 6 and thats pushing it. I am NOT running myself down or being cruel I am however being realistic and honest and truthfull with myself. That is the honest truth I am 6 at best. BUt I am 6 that would really like a 8 on her arms for christ sakes lol
But that is not the main thing …seriously its not. The main thing is as follows:
I need someone who will stand up to me. Some one who is strong and fast witted. Someone who can slam my ass down to reality when I get to big for my boots. I REALLY need someone who will make me laugh to the point of wetting myself. I know like 2 people that can do that right now guy wise. Mason as he is just so god damn funny and can just make me giggle. And a guy I work with seriously makes me laugh with the fastest sense of wicked humor I know. I seriously know few other men who can do that to me. Both are very very funny and smart which is always a bonus.
I did not get this on my date which is a serious issue I think. I need those things as mentioned above. I cannot have someone who will let me walk all over them but at the same time I do not need clingy and overbaring, its a very fine line you know.
I also had one other tiny teeny little problem. I was throughout the date comparing him to a certian someone who I have mentioned befoe .I KNOW THIS IS BAD !! but I could not help myself for doing it. The whole time I was thinking of the certian someone and that was soooo not cool.
So do I have unrealistic expectations or to high. OR am I right in not settling for the first bone thrown at me ( no pun intended there)
I have also set myself up for a fall for liking guys that are sooo complicated. Guys that have so many issues that really they should walk around in neon green screaming …I AM A MESS DO NOT SHOW THE REMOTEST SIGN OF INTEREST!! Guys that arehooked on someone else guys that do not know I exist guys that do not knwo what they want. Seriously its like I have radar for the wrong guys lol lol

I am lonely and I am sick of it you know ….its not fun I reccomend it to no one. I reccomend no one sleep alone and miss that feeling of someone in slumber beside you. I reccomend no one lacks sharing a morning paper or buying a cheap little present for someone becuase you feel like it. I reccomend no one goes to sleep at night looking over at the otherside of the bed and just …..wishing …..

My Spruce Meadows Weekend and General Update

11 09 2007

I had a brilliant time in Calgary this weekend. A seriously good time. It was so nice to spend time with Aron. Plus it was a major big bonus to meet Beth, Arons friend, the girl rocks and I hope we can become good friends as she is my kind of people if you know what I mean.
So the hotel was sooooo nice very posh and very pretty. I felt like the poor girl going into the castle slightly !! We went out for dinner on Friday to Wild Ginger and it was truly very nice 🙂
Saturday we saw the Nations Cup at Spruce. I have so many amazing pictures it is unreal. We had amazing seats hence amazing pics like this:

So those were Satrudays pics. There are so many more but I willnot bore you will just move on to Sundays pics lol !!

The Grey was my dram horse and the current world champ from Belgium, Jos Lansink.

So as you can see it was a amazing time the girls and I had a brilliant time together and there were no issues what so ever!!
On Saturday nighht we went out to donner which was kindly bought by Aron’s “Man friend” who we will call G which was so very nice of him and really kind….as it was not CHEAP !! lol

Really like G and I am so very happy for Aron. I am crossing my fingers that it works out supper well for her. So that was my weekend

Now for a update: I am sick. I have no idea what it is but I feel like shit currently. I wish to crawl into bed in a ball and die presently…ok that may be slightly dramatic but you get the general idea.

Oh and I met a boy of sorts. Thats all I am really saying as I am not jinx a damn thing but we are going out soon and I will let you know what happens. He seems very nice and very down to earth which is exactly what I need right now. Actually I would take just about anything right now to be truthful…i have gone past the picky stage I think ….

You Know Secretly…..

6 09 2007

You know secretly I want kids.

I have always professed the biggest dislike of children however secretly I think I do eventually want them you know.

I do not know why this is but I do know part of the reason why I always said I never want them. I have this great fear of having kids with completely the wrong person. I want my potential children to have the coolest dad in the world. But a dad who is a dad not a friend. I want my potential kids to have a dad who they can turn to and a dad they can giggle with as small toddlers, cry with as adolsecents and have proper adult belly laughters with when they are adults.
I do think this is hard to find in most men. You know all the men I dated I could never see them as fathers. It was impossible to see it. Maybe that is art of the reason I have always been so negative about it. Maybe it is because I had the most amazing father who was a FATHER ! He knew what he was doing you know.
I also think that part of the reason I never wanted them is I was scared of losing the independence I have in my life ( note: the independence is slowly turning into wandering loner who will never settle down..not such a good thing) But I do love my independence and the thought of having to give that up for a small person is slightly not cool.

Saying all that the ore I think about it the more I know eventually I do want them. I have very close guy friends that I would love to see as fathers ( I am so not saying father of mine however if in 10 years nothing is going on then their services may be needed ha !! ) they would make the most amazingly cool dads but see they have to find the right mothers.

So yes secretly I want kids. I have no idea when and lets face it I am destined to be single forever at this rate as no one seems all that interested in the goods. But yes secretly I want the life sucking little midgets …opps that was my inside voice escaping there …..

My Neurotic Weekend Away with Glamazons….

5 09 2007

So this Friday I am off down south to Calgary. Aron one of my oldest friends who I have mentioned in previous posts has kindly invited me. It is the Spruce Meadows Masters for show jumping.
For as long as I can remember I have had a great connection with Spruce Meadows. It is the place where stuff is made of dreams. It is stunningly beautiful and the most amazing show to watch!
So yeah I am very excited about the Masters part. I am however some what nervous about the people stuff. Let me explain * be warned Louisa neurotic shit about to commence*

I am a pretty “ ordinary girl” I am not a glamazon or a skinny mini nor am I a cheerleader type. I am a normal ordinary girl. Aron however is a glamazon and pretty much all her friends are. Now do not take this the wrong way. In no way is Aron rude, snobby mean or like the “ Mean girls” in the movies, she to is actually a very normal girl. But I am still worried I am going to feel so out of place and awkward. I am normally pretty good at putting a show of being A okay on however this one is going to be a hard show I reckon.
I have worried about what to wear for the last 3 weeks SERIOUSLY 3 weeks. See we are going to 2 of the hottest clubs there as VIP’s and so will be going into full blown glamazon territory!
I actually at one point considered backing out and begging off. I voiced this concern to Amason the other night and he promptly kicked me verbally in the ass and advised me that Aron would actually be hurt if I did not go and that she genuinely deeply cares for me…guilt trip worked no backing out for me.
SOOO I am going to put on a damn good show of it this weekend. I am going to try and not let my neurotic thought patterns drive me over the edge and just get on with it! So I will enjoy myself, party the nights away and stare in awe at the best riders in the world during the day !
So wish me luck….. I actually think I may need it this time to hold myself together ……

Its September …God damn Its September People

2 09 2007

Do you realize it is September ?!?!

Its exactly 3 months minus a few days till Christmas
It is exactly 2 months and 10 days ( roundabout) to Thanksgiving ( for fellow Cannucks)
Its 2 months and 18 days ( sorta) till my dan 29 th Birthday !

God this year has gone so quickly. It is so true what they say. As you get older life seems to begin to fly by ! I do wish it would slow down ! I mean there are so many things I need to sort out in my life and I seem to be running out of blood ti,e. I mean chiefly I need to stop being a near 29 year old living in her mum’s basement and strike out and get a piece of land to build on ( oh yeah forgot to tell you that one,I am looking for a piece of land so I can build my own house the way I want it ) yeah so back to that thing living in your mothers basement at 29 is not cool ! Sepember seems to have bourght that realization upon me.
September is still a broken hearted month for me as the end of August was. I have never been one to focus on a boy that is unattainable however for some reason the before mentioned man ( not boy really is he) seem s to have pulled all the heartstrings I possess. I wish it were not the case. I am normally pretty good at steam rolling over things like this moving on and chucking self at some thing new …not this time!
September however is likely one of my favorite months if I am honest. It is the transition month in the Calander. Its when leaves start to turn. Its when geese fly south in mass flocks. Its when kids go back to school or go to school for the first time. Its the transition into the holiday seasons. Starting with Thanksgiving and ending with New Years eve.I would like to make it my transition month. I wil be truthful and say I am not sure I will be able to but I can make a good go of it can’t I ?
I am planning on quitting smoking. I think I have had enough of it now and its time. So September is not only going to be remembered as the transition month but as the ” Louisa turned into a fire breathing raving bitch” I am sure you will hear about it if it comes about though people.

So yeah September people its here! So here is to September being the month of clean slates. The month of fresh starts and mending hearts. To the month of beauty and long journeys home.
To one of the nicest months in the year I reckon
Happy September all !