When All Else Fails

26 02 2009

 I am asked on almost a daily basis by various people,friends and acquaintances why I ride and why it is such a big deal to me. Trying to answer that is like trying to explain the big bang theory to a cat people ..But I will attempt to help you understand the reasoning.

 Now this is not a “wooo is me post” or even a self pitying post but it is a “lay my heart bare” post …so deal with it dammit

 I am 30 years old, I started my life from scratch for the second time in less then a decade when I moved back to Canada from the UK. I do not think you can begin to grasp the magnitude of that action and those decisions. I loved my life in the UK but my link was missing and that was my family and Canada ultimately. So I made the decision to move back here …was it the right decision …most definitely was it a good decision ….I am still not sure. I miss so much over there on a daily basis.

 I am 30 years old and I have been single for what feels like a eternity. I feel like a hamster stuck in the wheel and for love nor money I cannot get out of that damn wheel ! I am at my best or prime when I am in a relationship as I think most human beings are actually. Those people that tell you that the single life rocks …yeah completely talking out of their asses it so does not rock

 So to replace that empty and yep lonely and tear jerking feeling …I ride and I ride with passion and with zest and with love. I ride to feel free and to feel compassionate. I ride to learn to trust myself and my life in another beings hands ( or hooves ). I ride to be honest about my abilities and what I can achieve. Riding is my passion and it is my sport …its also the thing that terrifies me the most. I have this fear tat if I fail at riding , the thing I love most in the world, then I am destined to fail at all other events in my life.

So riding is kinda like my addiction! I get a actual buzz off it when I manage to do something well with Sonnet and do it really well. I get such a overwhelming sense of achievement when it all clicks together like a puzzle.

So when all else fails no matter how lonely I am or how sad I feel or angry and letdown I know I can go to that horse tack her up get on and it will no longer matter. I know that she has the ability to teach  me to trust myself and others. I know that she trust me when I trust her. So even if I am eternally single it will not matter really …I have a horse who has taught me more about myself in the last 12 months then in the last 30 years.

Sure a actual human being would be great for a relationship but the horse is a great stand in for now lol

So Sonnet is my stand in relationship ….and she does a damn fine job people



Insync With the Opposite Sex

4 02 2009

 Recently I have started re evaluating my dating life. I think every women does this and every women does it with a purpose or a intent to better themselves or to better their dating life.

I find dating one of the most taxing hard things to do. I mean think about it! You spend x amount of time “vetting” a potential date you go through the motions of making sure they are firstly not a player perv or serial dater . You go through the motions of what basically amounts to a interview. You are effectively interviewing a potential guy or girl to figure out if they match or tick off the criteria you require as a person to be able to fully enjoy them and the date.

Once you go through that little and some what daunting process you finally make that leap of faith that moment where you say ” hell yes I am ready to open up to you and go for this date and I am all yours for the next hour 2 hours day or whatever” Its hard work people you have no idea. I always find people that are in a committed relationship or married rather smug when they speak to a single person. It is as if they have forgotten how taxing a single life and the never ending search really is.

I can actually count in the last 3 months on my one hand ( not both ) the amount of dates that I have thoroughly enjoyed and then those dates never follow through. Like any normal human and any women I then try and figure out where “I” went wrong ?? Then it hit me recently …I am not going wrong it has nothing to do with me it has everything to do with them. It is like false advertising and then projecting there issues onto the person they went on a date with. I came to the realization that I am nothing but open and honest and forthright about the entire situation and about myself….major break through for me. It was a break through that basically was along the lines of “fuck you I am good I am a great catch and I know what I want and if you are so shallow or cruel to not follow through then it is your loss not mine now move on” HUGE BREAK THROUGH.

Then something funny happened this week. My trainer at the barn gave me this CD called “Insync with the opposite sex” Now I am nto a self help person never have been I march to my own drum. But this CD has been a utter eye opener for me and I have already given it to one girlfriend with others lined up and I have a few men in mind who seriously need to get this and listen to this asap for their own good and sanity !!

 It basically tells you men are hunters women are gathers. Men have single purpose drives and women are all over the damn place. Some how you have to meet in the middle. It says women need to realize that when a guy is being open or honest …that’s really hard for them to do !!

I had a situation recently where a guy was honest with me brutally so. My initially reaction was to recoil back put up the defence walls and basically in my mind kick the shit out of him for said honesty. But then after I started thinking about it and after listening to this cd I completely realized that was really difficult for him to do. He laid it out on the table he said what was going on and he took a chance. Do I regret the way I initially reacted yeah maybe a little, have I tried to correct those actions and rectify it yep and time will tell. But the point is I realized suddenly with a moment of clarity that I got exactly what I always say I want , honesty, and I had no idea what to do with it ! It had never happened to me before. It was foreign territory lol !

So yes dating is hard and yes you get knocked back but if you open your ears and you open your eyes to the possibilities of something unreal then lif may just get a little easier for you

The Joys of Dating …NOT ! lol

2 02 2009

 Well you all know my single life has consisted of a series of dates to try and find that “one” …Do I believe there is one person out there …no not at all. I believe you go through a series of events in your life that a person fits into and fits into well. Some people are lucky enough to find that puzzle piece of a guy that fits into every event in your life. I unfortunately have not been that lucky and have has various puzzle pieces for each major milestone in my life.

I had the guy that I fell in love with when I moved to the UK. He helped me settle he helped me realise I could do things without my family as my constant pillars and pick me uppers.

I had the guy in the middle of my life in the UK who made me realise I am desired and could be chased by a guy lol. HE was also my first true serious fall madly in love and he was also the first guy to utterly and completely crush and destroy my heart and my soul. I have never felt such despair as I did due to his lack of thought and cruelty.

So I came back to Canada for the next phase of my life and have been single since then ….over 2 years very very long years.

I have dated here and I have met some cool guys but what I have not done is found that guy who made me feel that butterfly thing in the pit of your stomach. I have not met that guy that I am comfortable with and can be myself with . Until recently that is lol ( that is a completely different blog entry and I will write about it soon once I get it all through my head and figure out what the fuck happened …trust me it is a doozer its like something out of sex and the city!! lol )

 Is it so hard to find that person that is your puzzle piece? should it be hard work or do you follow the eternally irritating advice of ” It will happen when you least expect it ?”

I read a article in a British magazine recently that hit a little to close to home for my liking. Basically a women who was in her early 40’w talked about how due to her own pickiness and high standards ( too high ) she had managed to keep herself single for over 10 years. That she had the list of requirements and if a guy did not tick even one item on the list but ticked all the rest she did not date them. She eventually did meet someone and married him and the kicker is she actually dated him a few years back and because he did not tick boxes she discounted him as the right one !!!

I am sooo fearful I have done that. That out of the guys I have dated in the last 2 and a half years from the very first to the most recent guy I have let the one slip through my fingers. I am scared I have not fought for what I should have fought for and that I took the easy route and just backed down and chalked it up to a bad experience and a bad judgement call

 Dating is not fun people , there is nothing fun about it. I am not a serial dater and fear being labeled that but I am also very clear on what I want and what will work for me …Dating is a full time job guys

Its A Love Hate Thing

27 11 2008

Christmas….Love it and hate it …feel bad for saying that but it is completely true!

Anyone who knows me knows I get overly excited for Christmas. I love the time off I adore spending time with my family and absolutely love giving gifts to my friends and family. I do love Christmas I really do but there is a big part of me that is ever increasingly hating it 😦

I hate being single around Christmas I really do. I want to be able to wake up next to someone that morning and watch them open the gifts I spent time and put thought into. I want spend the day with them and just chill like you do one Christmas day. But it is not just the day I hate its the whole season.

 I have refused to go to the company party this year because going last year single was not a good experience and was rather depressing. So on company Christmas party day I shall be at the stables Ipod firmly rammed into my ears as I ride my horse and attempt to not feel pathetic lol

 The season is hard really when you think about it. You see couples shopping together, you see them getting out of taxis on their way to various functions and parties and you cannot help but feel ever so lonely and somewhat unloved…yes that is depressing but its my blog so suck it up lol

Even worse this year is that my family is all flying off to Europe on boxing day for 4 weeks leaving myself 1 dog and 3 cats alone in the house ….oh the joy. Not only alone but alone with huge amounts of left overs and decorations to take down. Do not get me wrong I am very pleased they are all going and I really hope they have a brilliant time but in the same breath I am kind of sad at the thought of it all really. Can’t help it just seems to be my state of mind right now.

I plan on drinking large amounts of red wine or beer or tequila, eating as much leftovers as humanely possible and wallowing in my own self pity for a grand total of 48 hours and then I will get over it and move on to the next year.

So yes as much as I love and adore Christmas and all it brings being single drives that wedge of hate into my mindset and it is wedged in there good and proper !


26 11 2008

My best friend and the person who knows me best just shared a quote from Bob Marley and now I am totally and utterly stealing it because it is likely one of the truest and most heart wrenching and warming things I have read all wrapped up into one. Read it . Learn from it. Believe it,

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” -Bob Marley

People I Admire

26 11 2008

There are 2 blogs I read with alarming regularity right now. They are both women who give me such a sense of hope and happiness when I read what they write. So I came to the line of thought that I need to give these two women a big shout out and explain why I love their blogs so damn much


 The first one is Kristen over at Our Army Life. This is a a blog I found actually via the secret Ornament swap abbilyeverafterputs on at xmas each year. Kristen is the wife of Zach and he has just begun his basic training in the US army this month. She has kindly decided to share her fears hopes and feelings on her blog about his absence in her life, her longing to have him back and her life and love for him. I really love going over to her little corner of the net and reading about her letters she sends to Zach and the letters and phone calls he sends and makes to her. Her story gives me hope that yes in fact through it all love truly does make a vast difference in ones life. Go over and show her your support and give her the encouragement she needs…Zach is back home from training in less then a month for the holidays and you can literally feel her vibrate with excitement at the thought through the Internet …its sweet lol

The second one is a wow blog. This is a love story and a half. This is a story that had me in tears when I read through it from start to finish . It is Stephanie over at The Road Less Travelled. Stephanie and her husband Sidnei have been through the mill and back again. Their love has been tested in such a way that others cannot even begin to imagine or wish upon another. The story is long and all I can say is go over there and read it from start to finish to get the full blown scope of what has happened to them. The basics is that Sidnei is from Brazil , they were married and went away on honeymoon. Upon returning from the honeymoon Sidnei was detained for not having a passport or paper work basically to get back into the US. Stephanie had to heartbreakingly leave her husband in jail in peurto rico and fly back to the states. The kicker to all this ….is he is still in that jail and has been there since March people. While he sits in Jail she fights with the powers that are immigration to get her husband back to her and her home and her heart.

Please go over and offer her nothing but support and encouragement. She is one of those rare people that shows you true love exists that your heart is what drives you froward each and every single day

So those are my 2 blogs of note right now. They are the ones I read to remind myself that life is not that bad, they remind me love does happen and it is so very important to a persons well being and state of mind

What Do You Fear Most ?

25 11 2008

Its a question I think everyone has asked someone and more importantly a question everyone has asked themselves and possibly on a regular basis as well.

As to what I fear most …it boils down to two things. Firstly being alone for the rest of my life. I think this is one of my greatest fears. I fear never being able to share my life and my heart with someone and that is a terrifying prospect. I cannot quell that fear of loneliness it is a seemingly impossible task and so I fear it most really. I do not handle life alone well. i tend to become hermit like in character and even tend to get depressed about it. Which is something totally against the grain with me as a person as I am not a depressive and I am not a woo is me style of person.

I also fear most not being happy. All I really want out of life if boiled down to the simple bare facts is simple happiness. I cannot imagine a life without happiness. I cannot imagine a life without laughter and love and even tears of both joy and sadness as well. Happiness is something I crave like a heroin addict craves the next hit I crave endless happiness.

I will be perfectly blunt as this is what my site is about, its about my feelings my mindset and my life. What I will be blunt about is that of late I have felt the concept of happiness slipping out of my grasp and the idea of being alone overpowering. I need to figure out a way to reverse this current trend but I simply have no idea how to and frankly I am not sure I have the fight in me to stop the trend.

I am tired and yes maybe ever so slightly mildly depressed. I am not at the “world needs to end” stage lol I am just at the ” OMG what and where am I going wrong” stage.

All I know is those are my two greatest fears and they are both fears I believe that are completely within my power and my control to keep at bay. They are fears I would like to believe are normal and the average person feels as well

But all the same they are fears that drive me to tears to even think about …..