Its A Love Hate Thing

27 11 2008

Christmas….Love it and hate it …feel bad for saying that but it is completely true!

Anyone who knows me knows I get overly excited for Christmas. I love the time off I adore spending time with my family and absolutely love giving gifts to my friends and family. I do love Christmas I really do but there is a big part of me that is ever increasingly hating it ūüė¶

I hate being single around Christmas I really do. I want to be able to wake up next to someone that morning and watch them open the gifts I spent time and put thought into. I want spend the day with them and just chill like you do one Christmas day. But it is not just the day I hate its the whole season.

 I have refused to go to the company party this year because going last year single was not a good experience and was rather depressing. So on company Christmas party day I shall be at the stables Ipod firmly rammed into my ears as I ride my horse and attempt to not feel pathetic lol

¬†The season is hard really when you think about it. You see couples shopping together, you see them getting out of taxis on their way to various functions and parties and you cannot help but feel ever so lonely and somewhat unloved…yes that is depressing but its my blog so suck it up lol

Even worse this year is that my family is all flying off to Europe on boxing day for 4 weeks leaving myself 1 dog and 3 cats alone in the house ….oh the joy. Not only alone but alone with huge amounts of left overs and decorations to take down. Do not get me wrong I am very pleased they are all going and I really hope they have a brilliant time but in the same breath I am kind of sad at the thought of it all really. Can’t help it just seems to be my state of mind right now.

I plan on drinking large amounts of red wine or beer or tequila, eating as much leftovers as humanely possible and wallowing in my own self pity for a grand total of 48 hours and then I will get over it and move on to the next year.

So yes as much as I love and adore Christmas and all it brings being single drives that wedge of hate into my mindset and it is wedged in there good and proper !


26 11 2008

My best friend and the person who knows me best just shared a quote from Bob Marley and now I am totally and utterly stealing it because it is likely one of the truest and most heart wrenching and warming things I have read all wrapped up into one. Read it . Learn from it. Believe it,

‚ÄúYou may not be her first, her last, or her only. she loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She‚Äôs not perfect – you aren‚Äôt either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don‚Äôt hurt her, don‚Äôt change her, don‚Äôt analyze and don‚Äôt expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she‚Äôs not there.‚ÄĚ -Bob Marley

People I Admire

26 11 2008

There are 2 blogs I read with alarming regularity right now. They are both women who give me such a sense of hope and happiness when I read what they write. So I came to the line of thought that I need to give these two women a big shout out and explain why I love their blogs so damn much


¬†The first one is Kristen over at Our Army Life. This is a a blog I found actually via the secret Ornament swap abbilyeverafterputs on at xmas each year. Kristen is the wife of Zach and he has just begun his basic training in the US army this month. She has kindly decided to share her fears hopes and feelings on her blog about his absence in her life, her longing to have him back and her life and love for him. I really love going over to her little corner of the net and reading about her letters she sends to Zach and the letters and phone calls he sends and makes to her. Her story gives me hope that yes in fact through it all love truly does make a vast difference in ones life. Go over and show her your support and give her the encouragement she needs…Zach is back home from training in less then a month for the holidays and you can literally feel her vibrate with excitement at the thought through the Internet …its sweet lol

The second one is a wow blog. This is a love story and a half. This is a story that had me in tears when I read through it from start to finish . It is Stephanie over at The Road Less Travelled. Stephanie and her husband Sidnei have been through the mill and back again. Their love has been tested in such a way that others cannot even begin to imagine or wish upon another. The story is long and all I can say is go over there and read it from start to finish to get the full blown scope of what has happened to them. The basics is that Sidnei is from Brazil , they were married and went away on honeymoon. Upon returning from the honeymoon Sidnei was detained for not having a passport or paper work basically to get back into the US. Stephanie had to heartbreakingly leave her husband in jail in peurto rico and fly back to the states. The kicker to all this ….is he is still in that jail and has been there since March people. While he sits in Jail she fights with the powers that are immigration to get her husband back to her and her home and her heart.

Please go over and offer her nothing but support and encouragement. She is one of those rare people that shows you true love exists that your heart is what drives you froward each and every single day

So those are my 2 blogs of note right now. They are the ones I read to remind myself that life is not that bad, they remind me love does happen and it is so very important to a persons well being and state of mind

What Do You Fear Most ?

25 11 2008

Its a question I think everyone has asked someone and more importantly a question everyone has asked themselves and possibly on a regular basis as well.

As to what I fear most …it boils down to two things. Firstly being alone for the rest of my life. I think this is one of my greatest fears. I fear never being able to share my life and my heart with someone and that is a terrifying prospect. I cannot quell that fear of loneliness it is a seemingly impossible task and so I fear it most really. I do not handle life alone well. i tend to become hermit like in character and even tend to get depressed about it. Which is something totally against the grain with me as a person as I am not a depressive and I am not a woo is me style of person.

I also fear most not being happy. All I really want out of life if boiled down to the simple bare facts is simple happiness. I cannot imagine a life without happiness. I cannot imagine a life without laughter and love and even tears of both joy and sadness as well. Happiness is something I crave like a heroin addict craves the next hit I crave endless happiness.

I will be perfectly blunt as this is what my site is about, its about my feelings my mindset and my life. What I will be blunt about is that of late I have felt the concept of happiness slipping out of my grasp and the idea of being alone overpowering. I need to figure out a way to reverse this current trend but I simply have no idea how to and frankly I am not sure I have the fight in me to stop the trend.

I am tired and yes maybe ever so slightly mildly depressed. I am not at the “world needs to end” stage lol I am just at the ” OMG what and where am I going wrong” stage.

All I know is those are my two greatest fears and they are both fears I believe that are completely within my power and my control to keep at bay. They are fears I would like to believe are normal and the average person feels as well

But all the same they are fears that drive me to tears to even think about …..

Even Time Passes

24 11 2008

Sometimes when I read a book or I read quotes the odd phrase or sentence or paragraph jumps out and grabs me. Sometimes it grabs my emotions and my heart. This one grabbed me with such force I had to put “pen to paper” and write it on here


Time passes . Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly , in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me

Rowing Training Update

18 11 2008

Ok so you know I wrote out the middle life crisis I turned 30 and the end of the world is coming list bucket list and that I started one of my items ,rowing !

Well here is a little update and possible sympathy post lol lol. I have changed my workout routines so that they are more geared to enhance my cardio and stamina plus muscle build up to match the rowing I want to do in the new year.,

Welllll let me tell you firstly my upper body which includes: my shoulders, upper back, upper arms, lower arms, hands, finger and boobs are all numb from the constant rowing. Numb to the point that I swear I am just a set of 36″ legs walking around freely.

I am rowing consistently 6 miles a day 3 -4 days a week. That’s a min of 18 damn miles a week people! On top of the weight training and endless back extensions. Now that being said the added bonus is that I have lost 5.5 pounds in 2 weeks just from starting up this new routine , the downside is if I keep obsessing like I am I will end up with shoulders like some eastern European women wrestler …not overly attractive

What Is also not attractive is the 17 shades of purple I am at the end of each rowing session and the fact that I lack any sort of coordination which makes for getting off the tiny rowing machine a constant source of amusement for the fellow gym goers . I swear to you they are all standing at the windows to see if I am coming in. When they do see me they are jump around gleefully thinking that they have at least 35 minutes of entertainment on its way to them !

All in all I am sticking to it and rather enjoying it AND MAYBE once I am in the rowing club there could be single eligible men there as well …. see there is sooo a silver lining to everything and another motive in the same breath lol lol

Lest We Forget

11 11 2008

 Today is the day you stop you honor and you recognize those who have fought died and lived for your country. Today is the day you remember the fallen soldiers in all wars fought for our country.

I have always had a connection with November 11th. I have grandfathers who fought in World War 2 for the British and parents who were bothin the Military. I have a sister who although not a solider is directly linked through her job with the current war in Afghanistan. I have a connection with this day like I believe every single person does.

I have a tough time listening to the news this time of year as there are endless stories of grieving families,mothers,wives,husbands,children,fathers for their lost sons and daughters. I have driven into work for the last 2 days in floods of tears as they have retold their fallen soldiers story on the radio for all to hear.

It puts my life into perspective very clearly. It makes my worries and fears seems somewhat small in compression. SO what if I have felt let down or somewhat heart broken , that is nothing to compare to the loss of a loved one to a war thousands of miles away. It makes me grateful and thankful to know that they are willing to sacrifice themselves in such a deadly and terrifying way.

Solders like Sergeant Shane Hank Stachnik who was killed in Afghanistan on September 3 2006. Who’s mother has been chosen as this years Silver Cross Mother¬†. I listened to her speak on the radio yesterday¬†on the way into work.¬†Just before hearing the news piece I was wrapped up in my own world my own issues about life and men and work and being hurt. The minute I heard her voice and telling her sons story it was gone I stopped worrying and obsessing about my own life and started listening to a women who has lost her baby to a war thousands of miles away and I¬†cried endlessly. SHe recounted getting a call at 5 am in the morning from the local RCMP. They had to call her rather then the army¬†Chaplin and men who were meant to tell her that her son was lost forever because she lived out in the country and they could not find their way there. She asked “Is¬†Shane ok ?” to which they said ” Ma’am we need to see you now” she obviously¬†knew at that point that her son was dead and lost forever. She said¬†“its not like they were calling in for coffee at 5¬†in the morning”¬† Her son was killed in a ambush while leading his section¬†on a¬†ground offensive against the Taliban. This was not his first but his second tour of duty . He left behind a fiance and 2 step children and was due to be married upon his return to his country …and he will never get that chance …he was the same age as I am , this man was 30 and he is dead doing what¬†he believed in and committed to.

So before you say you do not agree with wars and you cannot support the mission in Afghanistan re think what you think and re phrase what you say. You havet he right to disagree with our war in Afghanistan but you do not have the right to not support and show your compassion to these soldiers and their families.

It has been 90 years since world war 1 …90 years we have one veteran left in Canada¬†from that¬†war still alive . John Babcock, he is our last living piece of history to a incredibly brutal and bloody war. HE was a shocking 15 and a half when he tried to sign up to fight in the war …15 and a half people. I believe he is currently 108 years old now. It is men like him that fought for the country we currently live in. It is men like him that took the risk felt the call of¬†duty and did what he thought was the right thing to do at the time.¬†

So I ask you please honor men like Sergeant Stachnik and John Babcock today. As you do it remember and realize all they have done for us and all they continue to do. They have all made the ultimate sacrifice for what they believe in and for you !