Another Amazing Installment from Things My Mother Says!!

3 07 2008

Lately I have been lacking in good material from the mouth of my mother…well my friends that changed last week …she came out with the most brilliant line

 So my mum is a gardener and I mean like a carzy ass hardcore gardener. That thing is her baby for 5 months of the year.

When she weeds she weeds in a swimsuit , mainly for the tan but also when one sits in mud a dirt a swimsuit is much much easier to hose off.

well the other week she is standing by the kitchen sink after my mums version of a hardcore gardening session. You ask what this vision of beauty looks like well here comes the description:

Mud caked on the back, front and side of her

Hair all bunched together in a “topknot” on top of her very hot head

a paper towel stuffed down the front of her suit ( her sweat towel apperenatly)

and finally 3 rather hard to hide holes in the actual swimsuit in varying places.

At this point of taking in the vision of gardening beauty i said very politely to her

:

“maybe mum you should thinkabout throwing away that swimsuit?! it has holes in it !!”

she actually looked at me as if I had said to her take the tractor and destroy your garden right this instant !

she then proceed to inform me of the following information which disturbs me on many levels! conversation as follows:

 MUM:   “NO NO NO This is not to be thrown away it is my 5th BEST SWIMSUIT!!!!!”

ME: “5th best swimsuit ?!?! what the fuck do you mean ?!”

MUM: “Well this one is 5th because it has 4 holes in it the others have less holes”

ME: WHAT THE FUCK ?!?

yep that is my mum guys a women who has a 5th best swimsuit for gardening !! so not normal

Note: last weekend we had a heat wave of over 30 degrees mum was gardening in her infamous 5th best swimsuit and guess what !!! she has burnt bits on her where the holes were placed!! that was way to funny to even begin to look at !! lol





My Mother is Worried…Very Worried ;-)

2 02 2008

My Mothers biggest fear of late is what I will potentially write about her on my blog. To be fair she has good reason to worry in all honesty when i have posted previous things such as this and this ! So you can see why she worries.

But recently she has been coming out with some seriously odd one liners. Just very random and slightly maniacal as well, I worry sometimes if it is genetic and I will be following her down this path in the future.

She has the problem now of after realising she has said something insane of always saying “DO NOT WRITE ABOUT THIS LOUISA” she should know full well the minute she says this she is effectively screwed !

So here are some recent mum tidbits that have tickled me, made me raise a eyebrow, and down right worried me !

1. we went to dinner with Aron and her boyfriend the other night. The waiter came over to tell us the specials at a very nice restaurant:

waiter: our special today is red snapper

Mum: Ohhhh I will have that please

Waiter: Just so you know M’am our Chef cooks our fish to medium

Mum: ( look of horror on her face) WHAT ITS RAW!?!?!??!

Waiter: No No just a little more tender

Mum: Oh ok I will eat it as long as it is not flipping and flopping on my bloody plate!!

I mean honestly I almost spit my martini out at this point it was so damn funny and scary as well !!

Other tidbits these were all yelled at the cat

“OI !!! That’s a carpet you little fuck head!!!

” Go on piss on her cloths maybe she will clean her room !!”  ( this was directed at my cloths and my undeniably untidy bedroom right now)

” Maybe we can go to home depot and pick out light fixtures together!?!?! rather then you going to ride the horse”  ( this was said as if it was meant to be a mother daughter bonding moment…I would rather bound with my horse over a pile of horse shit then wander home depot on a Saturday looking for light fixtures !! )

This was a classic … I was getting ready for a date last week doing the usual thing: my hair my make up ..brushing my teeth! lol and she said the following:

Mum: This must be a new man?

Me: Yes what makes you say that?

mum: your making a effort!

me: yes ?? of course

Mum: In other words this is not a guy you are just sleeping with this is one you really like ! Your making a effort!!

OH MY GOD!! she actually said this to me !!! my mother thinks I am big sleeping around daughter….and does not seem to mind !!! ( I am not by the way )

And finally the killer of them all:

Me: Doc won’t put me on the pill anymore, says I have been on it to long and need to stop

Family Friend: What happens if you find “male companionship”

And before I could say …..hmmm condom ….safe sex …mum came up with this !

Mum” ” BLOODY NOTHING! sleep with them and then maybe i will get a grandchild ! “

My mother is actually advocating unsafe sex and one night stands now all in the faint hope that I will spawn the elusive grandchild for her

And there everyone is a up to date installment of things my mother says ! Count yourselves lucky she does not say them to you !