That Void Only a Dad Can Fill

30 08 2017

Today is a bit of a somber one but also one of reflection and great memories. See today is the day that I have spent a equal part of my life with and without my dad. 19 years ago Dad final had ” the big one” as my mother so affectionately called heart attacks ha ha.

So as kids we grew up basically knowing Dad was going to die. Blunt I know but the truth. He had heart disease and was on the heart transplant list ( clearly did not get the heart ! ) Rather then shelter us from death, the realities of death and all the nuances that come with it , our parents had us face it head on. It was done with humour and in a pragmatic way. The humor part might be lost on some but to us it worked. Such threats like “If you do not clean your room your dad will have the big one and then you will really regret it” ( it worked for the first few years but soon lost its ability to get us to clean our rooms ). We were raised not to fear death but to accept it and we really did accept it.

What also came with this is the best role model of a relationship out there , my Mum basically married my Dad knowing most Taylor men die fast and young due to congestive heart failure. It was love pure love. Do not get me wrong he drove her bloody crazy and when they fought, wow they fought, however they always came back together and the forever loved one another .

There are so many stories I could tell about John Taylor and so many adventures to recount to many in fact but the fact that there are that many means he is forever there always over our shoulders, always watching out for us and frankly cringing at some of the stupid shit we have done .

He is my role model of what a Dad should be , the goal I strive for in a relationship and in his general humanity. For all his gruffness, John Taylor was a compassionate caring man and that emulates in his children now ,

His son is now a father and I see so much of my Dad shining through in George and I know Claire has the best Dad because of our Dad, and I know Claire will know her Grandad John because of how she is being raised and loved.

So I would like to think that he would be proud and content in how his children have turned out and tackled life. I would like to think he would be forgiving and understanding of our mistakes and stupid moments in life. But most of all I would like to think he knows how much he is missed and loved forever and always.

 

Love you and miss you Dad xoxo

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In Memory Of My Father

5 09 2008

Last week was the 10 year anniversary of my father’s death. I did not forget about it and I did not avoid posting about it. I simply wanted it to sink in that it has already been 10 years since he passed away.

 

 I write a post about him each year and each year it gets easier and easier to write about him and his influence on the women I have become today.

 

 This year I am going to do a thank you post to dad. A post to show my eternal gratefulness to all that his had and has given me to shape the person and being I am today.

 

 My personality is from my dad (mum obviously as well) but my overriding boldness and sense of self I think comes from him. I have to thank him for that. I have to thank him for some how instilling in me a sense of worth and self awareness. My dad was a man of conviction and a strong character. When dad was in a room you knew he was there you could not miss him. I am I would like to think or so I have been told the same. I know my confidence came from watching my dad and the way he conducted himself around others

 

 My dad gave me my passion for horses. That solely came from him and I cannot love him enough for giving me that gift. Dad came to Canada and he wanted to be a cowboy! He was never very successful due to the overly English personality he possessed but he did get those horses and he did then in turn make me passionate about them so thank you dad for that.

 

 I cannot thank my dad enough (with the help of my mother LOL a lot of help lol) for giving me to incredible siblings in Alex and George. I truly do have the great honor of them being my brother and sister. They are truly 2 individuals you dad could not be more proud of it would be impossible to be more proud of them. George is so like you dad that it is scary he looks like you, he sounds like you, he walks like you and he has the same moral convictions that you possessed.. Alex is so freakishly like you, although she may disagree ha, but I truly believe she is you in so many ways. She is so political and that had to have come from you!!! I think if you saw her now it would bring close to tears of happiness. As for me, well I am me and I came from you at the end of the day. I do not have a big fancy job or make loads of money; I still live in mum’s basement. I do however own a sense of self worth and understanding of what makes me who I am and why I am the way I am and that is in part from you and the way in which you and mum raised me.

 

I miss you endlessly, it brings me to tears to have to think that I am writing a letter to you basically thanking you for shaping the person I am today without you ever being able to see it. I miss being able to share my life with you, ups and downs. I miss not being able to have you at my horse shows and around me in general when it comes to the horses. I wish you could have met the incredible horse I now own as I know you would be proud of my choice in horse and her in general. You would have loved her instantly! I miss seeing the pride in your eyes when you see how well your children are doing in life and what they have achieved so far.

I miss you, I miss your laugh, I miss your voice and most of all I miss your love and the security I felt around you dad.