Shit Scared

5 05 2008

In just over 24 hours I will be going in for my abdinomplasty or otherwise known as “tummy tuck”

I have written about it before and the reasonings behind why I choose to do this and why I choose to do it now at this point in my life. I am so excited about it and it feels like coming full circle after a few years of bloody hard work. I am as stated before not obsessed with being thin or thin people in fact I generally do not like overly thin people…don’t trust them something shifty bout a skinny chick you know lol I am however obsessed with being healthy I am and always will be scared of being un-healthy or in fact of anyone close to me or the people i love most being unhealthy it is terrifying to think of someone as unhealthy and not looking after themselves. So that is why I started with the weight lose a few years ago , not to be thin but to in fact be healthy.

Any sane person would be scared going into this surgery it is after considered a major surgery. It is 2 – 4 hours of work and lets say vigerous work at that.

I have this incrediable list of things I am “shit scared” about and the more I think about it the more it actually makes me want to cry ….seriously i realise this is not good to be crying about a simply thing like a tummy tuck but come on you all know i am neither simple or nromal! here is the panic shit scared list:

I am so scared it will turn out like shit and I will look horrible

I am shit scared I will not go compeltely under when they put me to sleep and it will be like that movie awake where I can hear and see and feel everything yet they cannot hear me ( i do realise this is almost impossible ok but just roll with it for fuck sakes its my fear not yours)

I am terrified that I will not be able to ride my horse for like months and months and months. I gain an incrediable amount of pleasure and confidence from riding Sonnet and so the thought of not being able to is TERRIFYING. It also does not help that when i ride her is when I am at my most calm and centered so now what the flippin hell do i do to calm down ?? …aside from valium of course ….which they prescribe to me …WOOOOHOOOO!

I am shit scared of throwing up when i come round after opperation !!! Seriously I want you to imagine how you would feel throwing up with a stiched wound from hip to freakin hip…not so nice is it!!

I am scared no one will notice the difference physically. I do not think you can grasp the gravity of that fear …seriously that is actually a bad bad thing

Oh fuc this list could go on forever and ever effectively you get the point I am shit scared and I just actually want to get it all over with now and say yep did that next please ….

In all truthfulness i do not handle fear well I mask it with humor and bravado and very few people ever see the true fears I have and the things that scare me most I do not handle situations like this well